u/common-blue

I feel like this is the natural companion to "is my spouse an arsehole or is it my hormones?"

I'm a psychotherapist but somehow ended up in a middle-level leadership role in the public sector 3.5 years ago. Still doing therapy with some very traumatised people, but with added political bullshit. Switching between listening to gory, distressing stories and corporate speak is a form of mental gymnastics I can no longer perform. I don't have any motivation at work, I get anxious when people want anything from me as much as a reply to a fairly straightforward email, and I can't seem to organise my way out of a paper bag, let alone work strategically. Everything is slipping. Every time I try to do anything at work beyond sitting in my darkened office my brain goes NO.

I'm not depressed - I'm fine on the weekends and evenings, I'm still interested in my hobbies, still experience pleasure and excitement, my sleep and appetite and self esteem are all good. I can't take antidepressants anyway, even if they were relevant (long story). I've been on HRT for about 15 months at varying doses and it's been really helpful for a host of other things - I did feel pretty dead inside 100% of the time beforehand, alongside the hot flashes etc - but I still hate my job. SO MUCH.

I want to quit and go back to private practice - just the therapy, no more management crap. But there's a little part of me going "but this is such a secure job! What if you only hate it so much right now because of peri?". My (non-arsehole!) spouse and I are at the tail end of renovating our first house so it would be a bad time to lose my financial stability.

I want to divorce my job, but what if I'm just being a grumpy cow and I'm the problem, not work? How do you trust yourself and your decisions when your hormones are untrustworthy?

I read a lot about people in peri waking up anxious and how this can be related to cortisol, and I experienced this myself before I was on HRT. I've not seen this other pattern of mine discussed before though - I keep having panic attacks around 1pm, and continuing to feel really anxious until about 3ish. This happens at work, at home, when I'm relaxed, when I'm stressed, if I've had a coffee or not, if I've taken my (very low dose) ADHD meds or not - it literally doesn't seem to matter what I do, the 1pm dread is like clockwork. I have extensive experience of panic attacks from when I was much younger and have been in and out of therapy for years, and I am confident there isn't some stray automatic thought triggering them off - my body just freaks out for no good reason on some internal timer.

I'm on 4 pumps of oestrogel, 2 in the morning and 2 in the evening, alongside 150mcg desogestrel for the progestin component. This also kept happening when I was on micronised progesterone though, so I don't think it's the P. I have osteopenia, and doctors keep telling me the NHS has some guidance that says estradiol level should be between 200-400pmol/l for preventing further bone loss, so my GP occasionally tests mine and it's consistently a wee bit on the low side, more like 130-180. So if my E2 is low anyway maybe 1pm is when my morning gel is fully absorbed and I'm reacting to the dip? I do apply it very early, about 6am right after my shower. Seems a bit extreme though!

Weirdly I experienced the same thing decades ago when I was recovering from anorexia and had lost my periods for a couple of years (which I how I ended up with crap bones). The whole time I was trying to regain the weight, 1pm was panic time. It didn't seem related to lunch because I was fine after other meals. I'd sit on my bedroom floor unable to do a thing until about 3pm. The only difference is that these days I sit in front of my work laptop pretending to do things 😫

I wish someone could attach me to a printer and print out wtf is going on in there.