u/crackheaddontpmo

Its been 3 years since I was put on my first antidepressant (ssri) and have been put on distinct doses and medications since. I was on fluvoxamine for the longest time until recently, when I was switched up to clomipramine. I haven’t quite liked how I feel being on clonil. Yes, both medications are used to treat streamline OCD symptoms, though I have expressed consistent aversion to treatment since my ocd is co morbid to my npd and is hence ego-syntonic. My psychiatrists always ruled this out, often stating I have no insight on my OC symptoms which in turn has pissed me off a great deal. I honestly have no intrusive thoughts that justify my compulsions. Its always just been a necessity to me, being perfect. Im what you’d call a CLEAN FREAK and honestly? I own that tag. Ive never wanted to change and I doubt I ever will. I know my lifestyle isnt the most typical thing out there and its rather pesky to others, being a compulsive clean freak but I DONT THINK ITS THAT BIG A DEAL. I have started to become avert to my medications since nothing’s essentially changed about any of my symptoms in the last 3 years. Ive been depressed my entire life and that hasnt changed even while being medicated. Being on medications has changed me physically. I look weaker, more frail with eye bags even though my lifestyle is the exact same as before the meds. My face gives it away now, that Im disheveled. Ive started hating the way I look and given my npd and how much my appearance matters to me, I’m losing it.

I will never understand why people treat having standards as a personal jab at their ego.
Context: I was talking to a friend and we were chatting about this guy she was texting. She showed me a couple texts from their conversation (voluntarily) and I was a tad icked out. The guy was weirdly passive aggressive and kept hinting that my friend was prolly stringing along a couple other guys too. Later she offered to show me how the guy looked and to my surprise, he was way below her league. I asked her why she’d even bother talking to someone so insecure and mid. She got all worked up, saying high standards have landed me nowhere. I was honestly confused as to why that was a bad thing at all. She said it as if I should’ve been embarrassed about not dating some substandard guy and choosing to stay single instead. I think people should date in their respective leagues, be it their physical appearance or their intellect.

I mean the girls are all nice but I just haven’t found someone who feels authentic as a whole. Everyone’s trying to be likeable, which seems fair for the first couple days but becomes boring to witness after all that time. I skip couple days a week because there’s nothing stimulating enough, as of now that is.

Would you rather date someone who puts you on a pedestal, feeds your god complex, and is practically worshipping the ground you walk on, but falls short of you in terms of social standing and attractiveness? Or someone who’s objectively in your league, if not your equal, but doesn’t indulge your ego or give you that same sense of adoration?