My father called me brittle
I moved home just before the pandemic to go back to school and have been here since. The last year or so I’ve been looking to buy a home of my own. I’ve struggled with being home alone when my parents are away for multiple days. I’ve gotten panic attacks and had to ask other family to come stay with me. I’ve spent the last few years really working on my anxiety and pushing myself to start a new job, go out with friends, go on dates and all that. But that’s one thing I still really struggle with. I work with a therapist and we talk about how a transition to my own home may look unconventional where I start with one day a week and gradually increase or spend days there for a while before sleeping alone. I’ve also been looking at homes that have in law apartments for a family member who needs affordable housing anyways.
So the housing market sucks and I haven’t found anything. While looking for a home, I’ve also been considering building a house on a piece of family land my dad said I could have. I’ve done a lot of research and work contacting people and getting quotes and I finally have a builder I like who is working on a final quote. It’s not a perfect lot but I’m willing to work with what I’ve got.
Last night my dad told me we were going to see a house nearby because he think I should buy that instead of building. He’s so hot and cold about the idea of building where one minute he’s all for and the next he’s skeptical and totally against it. Well last night he told me he doesn’t think I can do it. He said I’m too brittle. He said I wouldn’t be able to live on my own and I’d just come crawling back home and end up selling the house anyways. He said all the awful things I think on my worst days out loud. Not only is he not supportive but he’s beaten me down and made me feel small.
I try so hard but I feel like everyone will always see me as this fragile person because of this thing -anxiety- that I never asked for and that I work to move through everyday.