u/crazychameleons

Hey guys. I can’t thank you enough for your support on my previous post. It means so much.

His family has, once again, caused trouble after we tried setting a boundary. This is definitely pushing me in the direction of calling off the engagement.

About a month ago, my family surprised my fiancé with a fishing charter for his birthday. It wasn’t for another month, but we felt we had to tell him in advance because he was already making plans to go home and see his family on his birthday like he always does. My dad invited his dad to come on the fishing excursion, and he said yes. Trying to be the bigger person, I invited his mom, sister, and BIL to come visit for the day and hang out with my mom and me while they fish.

Shortly after the plan was revealed, we met his parents for lunch. His mom immediately started shitting on the birthday plan, asking “well how are we all supposed to celebrate his birthday if they are fishing all day?” I told her the plan was to have a big cookout after at my parents’ house. His mom pushed back, saying his sister and brother in law probably can’t make that work because they have 2 little kids who need naps. I couldn’t help but get the feeling that his mom is weirdly threatened by my family “taking over” his birthday.

Despite how bizarre it is, I wasn’t surprised that she was speaking for their 35 year old daughter because that is what typically happens. So, I decided to reach out to his sister directly, telling her they could come later in the day if that works better. She tells me they aren’t worried about it at all, and that the kids can nap on the way home. Okay. Great.

About a week later, I overhear my fiancé on the phone with his dad. His dad was still saying the same BS about the plan not working for the sister and BIL. So I’m starting to get pretty annoyed. At this point, the fishing excursion was only a week away, and I needed to tell my mom how many people were coming to the cookout. So my fiancé tells me he will do another call with his dad in a few days to get an answer. A few days later, he tells me he got the confirmation that his sister, mom, and BIL were not coming because it’s too difficult. It sounds like they were trying to get him to make the trip to them to celebrate his birthday the following day, but he pushed back and said he didn’t want to do that. Good for him.

I decide to text his sister one more time to let her know that my parents have a guest suite they can use if that makes it easier. I am completely shocked when she replies, “say what?? We never said we weren’t coming!” I immediately tell my fiance and he loses his shit. He calls his dad to figure out what the hell is going on. His dad doubles down that his sister has always been up in the air about coming. He then tells me he feels guilty for raising his voice at his dad, which irritated me.

So then his mom starts texting me trying to get the ball rolling again, saying she and his sister want to do a group call with me to discuss plans for the day of the fishing excursion. I’m extremely annoyed and confused at this point. I don’t respond for a while, so then his mom starts texting my mom asking what the plan is. Eventually I respond to them, and a plan is made. So my parents go out and buy hundreds of dollars worth of food and start prepping it for the party.

A couple days before the party, I ask his sister what time they plan to get here. She acts like all is well. Then, the night before the party at about 6:00, she texts me saying that she and her son have coughs, and they are both on medicine but didn’t want to worry anyone. I told her I’m not worried about it, especially if they’re on meds. She doesn’t reply.

Then at about 9:00 at night, she texts my fiance and my mom saying she and her son have bronchitis, and that they won’t be coming. She offers for her husband and son to still come, saying that her son has been on meds longer than her. That doesn’t make sense to me, because in the same breath she said she and her son went to the walk in clinic together that day.

My fiance tells them to just forget it, so no one except for his dad comes. No one ever bothered to text me to apologize.

If this were a one time thing, that would be different. But this is a pattern. It happens every damn time. Mind you, we had plans to meet his family for a day at the aquarium just a few weeks prior, and his sister bailed last minute claiming she had strep. But this time I’m even more upset that they insulted not only me, but my parents too.

After the fishing charter, his dad showed up to the cookout and basically just ate and left. The next day, I was in a funk and very upset about everything. My fiance asked what’s wrong, and when I told him, he said “I can’t believe you’re doing this on my birthday.” So I guess it’s okay for them to destroy his birthday plans and our relationship, but he’s choosing to be angry with me.

It turned into several days of my fiance and I not speaking. That following weekend, we were supposed to leave to go on a trip with his family that I begrudgingly agreed to several months prior. I was so fed up, that I told him I wasn’t coming anymore. I told him I am 100% done with his family. He freaked out at first. But also said he understands why I feel this way. Once his parents found out, they said they wanted to talk to him on the phone. They had about a 20 min conversation. While I didn’t listen in on it, I was hearing my fiance say a lot of “I love you”s and “more conversations will need to be had in the future.” After he hung up, he said he thought it went well, and that his parents love me very much and want to do whatever it takes to fix things. I stood my ground and doubled down on not going on the vacation with them.

He still ended up going on the trip, having a grand time with the very people who are destroying our relationship. I’ve spent the last few days alone in my thoughts. And yeah, I can’t fucking do this anymore. He’s about to get home, and sadly, I am not looking forward to it. I can’t imagine ending things, but I also can’t imagine my life continuing like this. Eventually his mom and sister both texted me and apologized, but only after my fiance told them to. I didn’t reply. I have given these people enough chances.

I think I finally know what I need to do. The problem is I’m too weak to end it. We’ve been together 10 years. I’m 30 years old. I can’t imagine starting over now. I’m just so scared…any kind words/support is appreciated. Thankfully, I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.

Hey guys. I’m thinking of breaking off my engagement due to being at my wits end with my (30f) fiancé’s (30m) family. I am starting to worry about my mental health and could really use a space to vent, so please be nice 🥺

We met in college when he transferred to my school during sophomore year. He was previously going to a community college in his home town. His family seemed nice and normal at first, but I quickly began to see red flags the more time I spent with them.

Here are some of the reasons I suspect they are enmeshed:

-His mom, dad, sister, and brother in law seem to have no relationships outside of each other. His parents don’t seem to encourage their kids to grow up and be independent. His older sister lived at home and didn’t have a job - and even after getting married, she had her husband lived there for several years. They finally moved out just a few months before their first child was born, but chose a house just a couple blocks away. They are always with each other and also talk in a group chat 24/7. None of them have any friends either.

-His mother is very mentally ill and depends on my fiancé for emotional support and happiness. This first became apparent when he had to drop everything and miss a week of classes to go home and take care of his mom. He didn’t tell me much, other than she was having some sort of a breakdown. His dad was on a work trip and refused to come home to take care of her, saying he’d lose his job. So, it was up to the kids to deal with it. I later found out this was related to her addiction to prescription medication, which is still an issue today and continues to worsen.

-They make him feel guilty for moving in with me and having his own life. After graduating college, he moved in to my apartment, but it took A LOT of convincing. He even mentioned something about needing to talk to his parents first. I think they expected him to move back home after graduating. We live about 2 hours away, but they act like we live in a different country. Whenever we visit (often staying overnight), they pressure us to stay longer. His mom always gets weepy and emotional with him when we finally leave.

-Despite living in this state since college, he didn’t change his drivers license, license plate, or mailing address until a couple years ago. One time he went home for the weekend and came back with a new car, but the plates were still the state where his family lives. Apparently his dad convinced him to do this. He even was telling his employer (remote role) that he still lived there and was having all his paperwork sent to his parents house. His dad was also doing his tax returns for him until I said something about it.

-It’s always on us to make the drive to them, and they pressure us to be there for every birthday, holiday, etc. If we ever miss a birthday or holiday, they pressure us to still get together at a later time to make up for it. One time we missed his mom’s birthday to go to Nashville for a concert, and she made him feel awful about it. They also get upset if we don’t spend the night. While we were visiting for his sister’s birthday, we tried setting a boundary and told her that this wasn’t going to be an overnight visit, and they had a serious issue with that. This same thing also happened recently with her child’s birthday party - that time we actually did stay the night, but the next day they were STILL making us feel bad for trying to leave at 3 pm saying “what about the party? Your sister was going to make a cake.”

This dynamic was really starting to drain me, so I stopped going with him to visit them, with the exception of holidays. He used to go home and be gone for several days at a time, although this has improved a bit.

-They rarely visit us, often giving the excuse that his mom has too many aches and pains for a 2 hour car ride, or that it’s too difficult for his sister now that she has two little kids. When they do agree to visit us and make a plan, they often bail the night before. This happened on Christmas a couple years ago, after I had bought hundreds of dollars worth of food. His mom was on the phone with him crying about it, but never once did anyone apologize to me.

-They constantly disrespect us and put our feelings/needs last. We agreed to go on a family vacation with them a couple years ago and split the cost of an Airbnb. His sister was newly pregnant with her first child, and used it as an excuse to demand that we switch rooms with her because she didn’t like the room she chose. We tried to push back, but then his mom stepped in and told us we have to give up our room regardless, because their aunt and uncle were suddenly joining us (despite not putting any money toward the airbnb). He didn’t fight back, so we ended up sleeping in a children’s room on bunk beds for the whole trip.

-They seem to be comfortable with lying to each other to protect feelings and sweep major issues under the rug, including the issues with his mom.
I have watched his mother decline over the years, yet no one in his family talks about it or addresses the elephant in the room. Many times when we’ve gone to visit in the past, she will spend hours up in her room before even coming down to say hi. Only to disappear in her room again later on. She rambles and acts very loopy a lot of the time. She has also been falling and hurting herself very frequently and has been in and out of the hospital lately.

-They seem to be threatened by him spending time with my family. Since getting engaged, my parents have tried to make an effort to get to know them more with absolutely no reciprocation. We all met up at the zoo on Mother’s Day, which was pretty much the first time our families hung out together in the 8 years we’ve been dating. I thought went pretty well at first, but later I found out that his mom was ranting about us to my mom, saying we don’t come around enough and asking her why I never visit anymore and if they did something. My mom told her that he and I have our own lives and don’t see us all that much either, and his mom replied “yeah, that’s what he told us too.” Almost as if they are keeping tabs on how much time he spends with my family compared to them. My parents also recently surprised us with an Alaskan cruise next year, but he hasn’t told his family about it because I think he’s worried about making them jealous.

-They still treat me like an outsider. Anything of importance is discussed outside the group chat. When his sister had her second baby, the first thing she wanted to do was take a ton of pictures of him holding the baby. But when it was my turn to hold the baby, which I did for about 30 minutes, not a single picture was taken of me. Since getting engaged, they have been pressuring me to call them mom and dad, despite me being visibly uncomfortable with that. It’s clear they want me to conform, but I’m just not willing to.

I can’t think of one time where we had a plan with his family, that someone didn’t bail last minute or start drama. For years now, I have dreaded every holiday, birthday, etc. due to these family dynamics. Even to this day, my fiancé holds it over my head that he moved away from his family to be with me, and I’m tired of it. I don’t think they are bad people, but I do think they are very very sick. My fiancé says the same thing and acknowledges these issues, but at the same time says “that’s just how they are, and I love them.” I have encouraged him to put some more space between himself and them, but he just can’t, despite them constantly making him miserable. His reasoning is often “I don’t know how much time I have left with my parents.” I feel terrible for him, because I know he loves them and can’t help what his family is like. But I really don’t think I can live my life like this. I feel like a shell of myself. I am constantly bitter and angry.

Sorry, this ended up being longer than I intended. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.