How much is too much?
I've been married to a pwBPD for six years and in that relationship for almost eight. I'd say about 90% of my marriage is good. The remaining 10% is hell on Earth.
My spouse's BPD really developed about a year into marriage. It was bad in the beginning with name calling, verbal abuse, and yelling. At some point it turned into breaking glasses, personal property, punching holes in walls, and breaking doors. Then, it became more physical. I've been pushed into walls, grabbed, threatened with scissors or a knife, bruised, and slapped.
I finally convinced my spouse to go into therapy and they have been faithfully going for the last few years and I'm so proud of them for it. The splits that are taken out on me have lessened, but every time a big one happens where things get violent (maybe every 1-3 months), it jars me incredibly and it makes me wonder after this long if it's worth allowing myself to be subject to this treatment. The only reason I've stayed is because I see how hard they're working and I want to believe they will continue to get a better handle on coping mechanisms. They have also experienced a shit ton of trauma so I know life is not easy for them.
At what point does it become too much for me though? I'm so tired of walking on eggshells and I'm so emotionally drained. It feels like everything triggers them. Anything I say or do will be twisted to make me sound manipulative and malicious. I can't count how many times I've been called defensive and selfish. Any big change in life absolutely wrecks their world. When I'm split there's no room for any of my feelings. Their word is law even if they're wrong and if I dare diagreee with it or bring up my perspective, it escalates the situation and puts me in danger.
I've tried setting boundaries, but they won't accept them. If I left the room, they'd follow me and go wherever I am. If I left the house, some of my personal possessions would get destroyed.
After each of these splits, they're very good at apologizing for the bad things they've done. During that time it's safe for me to bring up my feelings as well. They'll talk to their therapist about the split and what happened too.
I'm also the sole provider for the household since they have a disability. So, if I was looking for a divorce, I don't know how they'd get along by themselves. I love them and care so much about them but they really keep hurting me and I don't know how much more I can take. I know I can't expect perfection from them but after all these years I just worry I'm setting myself up for misery for the rest of my life.