It's extremely hard as a neurodivergent to be a closeted atheist
I 20M live in a slightly conservative traditional muslim family as a closeted atheist and also I'm a neurodivergent always have been took me a while to discover it. The absurd level of forced dissonance that I have to display and perform on an everyday basis takes a toll on my by the end of the day and I wish I could kill myself then wake up the next day and do it all over again. I barely feel myself at all. I just cope with reels and food and doing what im not supposed to be doing which has led me to adhd which has costed me my career heavily.
It's not just the religous belief of mine that is widely different then the elders and everyone around me but the way they think, process things, and their mentality and emotional intelligence as well and frankly it disgust me.But to put up with it everyday? It's like being hit by a wrecking ball on both sides at the same time again and again and again. And for what? For nothing, no reason at all but to just suffer and wallow in it. I just wish I had felt seen for once. I do have friends and they know abt me through and through but none of em can't actually understand the gravity of the situation im in. It's a very passive burn that has been going on for decades now. And I can't seem to take it anymore. I can't study to get into a good college im just stuck and i seem to be for no good at all. I should've born in a family different family. I wish I didn't have only me to take care of myself. Didn't got the parenting that was necessary for me as a neurodivergent kid. And that has left a big hole in my heart. Still Don't have it now and don't care anymore just need to get away from this somehow but don't know how.