i’m tired
i lost my mom when i was 12 and my dad when i was 22 (i’m 27 now) and i’ve just been going ever since. everyone i know has someone they can fall back to but i have literally no one. no friends that understand or care to know, my own sister isn’t able to have those hard conversations and i just avoid them with her because it’s better to keep the line of communication than to be shut out. i’m a flight attendant which has helped alleviate the past few years and keep my mind on something new but once you travel enough you realize it doesn’t matter where you’re going but who you’re with an i just have nobody. i wasn’t even particularly close with my dad but i just at least wish someone was there that i could try with. i feel like i carry so much weight from the version of them i have left it almost feels trapped in time all the things i wont experience. i feel no passion for literally anything i do and days just keep going by and it feels pointless with no witness. everyday i feel more heightened and like i’m willing to do more and more dangerous things to fill the void however i can and its scaring me. i have no guidance on my decisions and so i’ve neglected so many facets of my life because it’s all so overwhelming and i know i shouldn’t need someone to adult for me but i’m genuinely exhausted everyday. all this weight on top of being trans and trying to navigate my own identity i’m simply exhausted. i just felt like i wanted to put this somewhere maybe someone else is experiencing this feeling.