u/da_z3d

Tl;dr: My male colleague keeps asking to hang out, go to events together, and expressing wanting to come to, and even stay at, my house. I think he might be interested in me romantically but I don’t carry the same sentiments in any sense, even platonically. I don’t even particularly like working with him. I find him to be rude, demanding to the point of needy, obnoxious, entitled, nasty, and quite frankly, creepy. When we’ve met in person at work functions he hugs me for too long, won’t let go, and sniffs my hair. At work he talks to me like a pet which I find incredibly disrespectful. He shouts at me and others, including the boss, if they don’t do what he wants, even if what he wants is unreasonable or wrong for the task. I’m in a high level position and shut it down as I should, professionally of course, but he starts arguments, throws tantrums, and becomes extremely difficult to work with. Have made a formal complaint, as have others, he was sent for therapy but that’s it. He still conducts himself in the same manner. He lived far away but has recently moved close to me. I don’t know how to shut down his invites without it negatively affecting work, and I’m scared he finds out where I live.

We work remotely but have met twice in person through in person work functions. Both times he insisted on hugging me, grabbing me and pulling me into it even though I made it obvious and expressed verbally that I’m not a hugger and tried to shake his hand, held on for FAR too long and wouldn’t let go, and *sniffed my hair*. *Both times*.

He lived in a city about a 16 hour drive away so I’ve only seen him at work functions. He would come close to my city for work every few months, to a city about an hour away, and a couple of times he asked if he could come over and even stay at my house. I always politely said no, using the reasoning that firstly, I don’t have space, and second, I’m an hour away from the city he’d be working in and with traffic it would be two, and I wouldn’t be waking up that early to let him out. I love my sleep and wake up early enough. Most of the time it fortunately didn’t align as I was busy or had a friend staying over.

He recently moved to the city an hour away and has already started asking me if I want to go to events with him. While the events sound like something I’d enjoy, I *do not* want to be alone with him, spend time with him, or encourage an outside of work relationship with him in any way. I don’t feel safe around him, when in person he floats around me, is always staring at me (sometimes I’m sure he’s watching me while our cameras are on too in remote meetings) and seems to try to get me alone with him a lot. He looks at me like I’m a piece of meat.

At work he’s constantly making these quips at me, negging me, and talking to me like I’m a pet. I hold a high level position, managing a lot of projects that he’s on which he frequently tries to take charge of. I find it highly disrespectful. He shouts at me, others and even the boss when he doesn’t get his way, even if what he wants is unreasonable or wrong for the task. When I shut down this behaviour, which I always do and professionally, he tries to talk down to and degrade me, sometimes starting full blown arguments. It doesn’t matter to me. He’s a colleague and I act with professionalism, I only care about getting the work done properly, but when that happens he becomes near impossible to work with and can derail work and timelines. I’ve made a formal complaint about him in the past, as have other colleagues, but they just sent him for therapy which clearly isn’t working. He has the same conduct as prior to therapy. We’ve worked together for a few years at this point and I have tried to get along with him, always professionally, remember his good points and give him the benefit of the doubt. He really is incredible at what he does and admire him for that, we do have things in common and has been nice to me regarding my pet which he shows a lot of interest in (even recently stating he *has* to meet him now that he’s so close). We work well together for the most part with a lot of wrangling and working very hard to keep it exclusively professional from my side. But try as I might, in my heart he gives me a very bad vibe and I just can’t bring myself to feel comfortable around him. I just don’t like him at all.

I joke to my friend that I feel like if I’m alone with him in person he’ll try kidnap me and keep me in a cupboard. Only a part of me is joking. He gives me that feeling. A couple of colleagues have noticed this too when we meet at in person events, with one of my close colleagues expressing making a point of her own accord to get in the way when she saw he was trying to corner me alone. I hadn’t expressed the weird feeling I got to her yet at that point. He recently invited me to an event again over private messaging channels and I’ve ignored it. I’m not on my phone a lot anyway because I’m working most of the time and busy outside of that. Work messages come through dedicated work channels and not on my phone, and I only use my phone to message family outside of that, and live with my closest friends. He recently sent me something for a project through work channels and tacked on at the end “it seems personal channels aren’t a good way to keep in touch”. I know he was talking about the invite because we don’t use personal channels for work related things. I completely ignored that addition and only responded to the work part.

I don’t know what to do now that he’s living so close. I’m frankly scared he finds out where I live. He was a nepo hire through my boss’s relationship with his uncle and lived down the road from her (that’s not to say he’s not incredibly skilled with his work but that’s how he got the job). She has this weird soft spot for him and a belief that he’s troubled but harmless. My boss knows where I live and has been to my house, she’s all for employees spending time together outside of work as we work remotely, and has a tendency to tell people things she shouldn’t, so I’m concerned she lets it slip. I also perform music as a hobby and those events are publicly advertised with the venue and I’m concerned he shows up at one.

I don’t know what to do. A perk is I’ve resigned but will still be consulting for the company and working with him on the projects I’ll be consulting on. I’ve experienced this before at past jobs and my standard reaction is to shut it down totally and blatantly say I have no desire to have any kind relationship outside of work, but none of those men were nearly this difficult or creepy, and from past experience with him I’m sure he’ll make working with him *extremely* difficult and implicate the projects, and if he does, that nothing will happen should I formally report it.

Any advice?