Tobacco/alcohol anxiety around our in-laws and kid.
In about 5mo, my wife and I will be having our first kid through a surrogate. I know that our kiddo will form their own preferences, but I am struggling with how to ask my in-laws to manage some unfortunate and dirty habits.
Without overly dunking on them, my MIL and FIL are hoarders. Their house is not safe for a child, but the family gathers there often and sees no problem. It's treated like a funny joke. My FIL and BIL are both alcoholics. BIL is a chronic tobacco smoker. BIL tends to be the 'loudest voice in the room'. I have wanted to confront his behavior at times but have been asked by my wife not to, and I want to respect her comfort. He also outweighs me by about 75lbs, making policing behavior difficult. The substances are celebrated at every event hosted by all in-laws on both sides. Inebriation is status quo.
While it's been easy for me to avoid these events in social settings, my wife and I understandably differ where it comes to our kid. We both agree that we prefer having MIL/FIL babysit at our house and will assert that. Where we differ is the substances. My wife is firm that she can't control anyone's behavior, and that she cannot make a case for an issue unless there is a violation.
My approach is to confront it before the kid is born and make it very clear that there are things we can't tolerate. We have adjusted our behavior to make events we host substance-free, but as addicts often do, they BYOB. I am struggling most with the smoking, as I know that first/second/thirdhand smoking are detrimental to a newborn's health. I have heard of people requiring smokers to shower and change outfits before being in close physical proximity to a baby. I am totally on board with that.
The next event is the baby shower. At parties, BIL/his friends will smoke at the end of my driveway. I am thinking of using this event as a chance to set a new precedent that this will be a tobacco-free house moving forward, no exceptions. I have never wanted to accommodate for tobacco (THC is legal here but people have the respect to take edibles). This allows them time to prepare however they need to spend a few hours without tobacco.
My wife is reluctantly aligned although she believes this will cause my in-laws to believe I am excluding them because I'm not broadly permitting their behavior. Their feelings will be hurt, but I'm tired of rolling over for their gross habits. This is the messaging I am considering:
"I wanted to let you know that the baby shower will be tobacco-free. We can't accommodate outdoor smoking at our house anymore. Thanks!"
My wife's family already believes she is spending less time with them just by being married, and that it's my doing.
My biggest fears are twofold. One, I am worried the narrative will continue that I'm isolating or abusing my wife, which is uncomfortable, but perhaps correct, as my wife has other obligations beyond catering to her parents and brother as often as she did before starting a family with me. Two, I am worried that my BIL will either confront me while drunk, and make a scene at the event, or simply ignore me and smoke anyway. Any attempt to kick him out or ask him not to attend will cause my entire in-law faction to see me as the asshole. They are a wildly codependent family who cannot fathom restricting anyone's behavior for any reason, barring something like child assault.
Assuming there's fallout, WWYD? This is not something I've ever had to deal with in my family or circle of friends. Since we've been married (2020), he has only dove further into addiction to an audience of permissible loved ones.