Young step mom - Will I always feel this way?
For some context: I F23 have been dating M38 for about a year and half now. He has two boys, 9 and 5 years old. The custody agreement currently is 40/60 us being the 40.
I have a great relationship with the kids, I truly think my presence changed their life, as Dad didn’t really “know how to parent”
The children now
-aren’t addicted to screens, we completely banned their tablets coming to our house
-bathe/shower daily
-brush their teeth x2 a day
-better sleep routines
And much more, I know I don’t get “all the credit” but whatever.
Dad and HCBM have been divorced for almost 4 years? They do not have a great relationship at all - just lots of complications with them.
But due to Dads high income, HCBM is able to fully live off of the Alimony checks she receives every month. Money is a big issue with them, she constantly thinks she is getting screwed, even though she hasn’t worked in almost 10 years and is planning on not getting a job because her monthly payments will be lowered. Overall a very selfish person. She has about 5 years left of the Alimony and has made it clear she is not looking for a job. She has a great support system, her parents watch the children almost as much as she does. She could very easily get a job, she has a degree, she just simply chooses not to.
Currently Dad and I are struggling financially, and she just went on a week long cruise with the kids, got a new car, all this stuff (from his monthly checks) and she continues to say how she is being screwed and how she wants to rediscuss child support payments and all of this stuff, even though HE is the only one with income, so HE is the one supporting HCBM, the two kids, and us.
Before we starting dating, Dad said he would never get married or have more kids due to how tricky it has been with HCBM. But now he “sees how natural of a mom I am, how wonderful I would be, etc.” and it means a lot because I am naturally great at it, I’m not gonna lie. The relationships I have with the children prove it.
So this is where my questions come in:
Does the feeling that if you do choose to have a child with someone who already had a family and kids, that we wont be experiencing “firsts” together go away? He will have experienced all of this stuff, and I wouldn’t have. He counters this by saying “he’s never raised children with someone as competent and kind as me, etc.”
With the current dynamic, a lot of the times, it feels like I’m teaching him how to be a dad, he is so wonderful at so many things but constantly it’s me who has to be the “bad guy” and then he over corrects and it’s just a lot sometimes. Sometimes in the back of head, I really wonder if I would want him to raise my kids, which sounds horrible but what if I have to teach him stuff that he should already know??
I worry that with how HCBM is, that if I did have a kid with him, that she is somehow going to be involved, as we will have to deal with her until the boys turn 18.
Dad works almost 60 hours a week, which is why he is able to pull so much income in. So he isn’t home a lot, and when he have the boys, he is constantly on his phone taking calls and just a bit distracted.
I know it sounds like I’m just bashing dad and I promise I’m not, he is a great dad. I just hate how much control HCBM has over his mental health. She decided to choose the day that his dad died (which she knew about) to drop a whole bunch of BS about how she has to get a new car and how he needs to pay her more to afford it. He taxes on her mental health so much and I’m not sure if I want to have a kid of my own knowing the influence she has over his mental state.
Will the feeling that maybe I’m making a mistake dating someone older who already has kids ever go away? I have sort of just given up on the idea of having kids of my own. I know I should be happy with the kids I get to raise now, and it truly fulfills me so much, but again I joined their life about 2 years ago.
Maybe I just need to rant about how selfish HCBM is,
I know this is all over the place, I am sorry. I don’t have a mom or dad anymore to talk about this stuff with. So I would appreciate some motherly guidance so to say.