Why do I cry ? Because I’m being forced into something I don’t want ? Because I’m losing a grip on my original identity? Because my potential new identity makes me sensitive to certain topics I was never sensitive about ? Because while I don’t feel pleasure from the idea of it, nor does it FEEL natural, I don’t feel disgust amymore ?
Or maybe it’s because my desperate struggle to normalcy has become impossible now.
Excuse while I finishing crying
I told my self that if I got another “reaction” from testing, then I’d have to accept that I’ve changed, Now, I’m just a shadow of my former self. I wish I could disappear. Eventually, I’ll have to face the person that got the “reaction” out of me. I’ll never get into a relationship, or maybe even have friends at this point. I hate my life.
In the year 2021, I was dropped into the ocean. Doing everything in my power to get back to shore. I don’t have the capacity to breathe underwater. All I can do is try my hardest not to drown. All I have is the hope that maybe I won’t be in this predicament. I don’t know why this had to happen to me, but help me. Please.
In the present year, it’s almost like I’ve become content with being in the ocean. I want to back to shore, but then there’s a part of me that feels like going back wouldn’t feel right anymore. It feels like I’m comfortable in this position. The last thing for me to do is accept it.
I tested my self against my better judgement. I observed my reaction and realized that it’s an “imitation” of what I desire. After testing, I acted out my actual desires in my head and it felt good and got a reaction.
However, what scares me is what if my reaction to my desire carried over from my testing. I checked myself after testing and didn’t find a reaction, but just from imagining the sensation of what I desire I got a genuine only some minutes after I tested myself.