u/dbreddit7

I tried some additional re-writes to this bit based on earlier feedback.

“It always depresses me when actors from my favorite shows die. I mean, I’m just now recovering from the shock of losing Angela Lansbury. I can’t take another blow.  If anything should ever happen to Dick Van Dyke, if he just gets cut down in the prime of my life, I will just lose it. 

The worst part is after celebrities die when people talk about actors and their characters reuniting with their already dead castmates in the afterlife. If heaven exists, I guess they wouldn’t want to see their families, their lovers, their pets?

Apparently, these dead celebrities all say screw family, I’m going to see my old coworkers. Like the Golden Girls are definitely up there gossiping and eating cheesecake on heaven’s lanai, while their dead husbands are sleeping alone for eternity.

 When I die, I’m probably just going to skip seeing all of my dead loved ones and make a beeline for my former coworkers in heaven and get back to filling out spreadsheets and circling back on those emails, so I can close the loop on living.

Personally, I’m a little afraid of dying, but I’m actually terrified of turning into my mom.

My grandma’s been dead for almost 20 years, but she’s back every time mom picks up the phone.

Now if my mom ever drives her Oldsmobile through an optometrists office…with no injuries, I’ll know reincarnation is a real thing.

When she calls, I don’t even say hello anymore. I just answer and say “ok, who died?”

And if she hasn’t had a chance to read the obituaries that day, she’s just calling, because she just wants to “check in” and update me on people I haven’t seen since kindergarten…and the horrible things that have happened to them.

[Act out her lowering her glasses, lean in close and say]…”now don’t say anything, but…” 

Who am I going to tell, Eileen? Do you think Reddit cares about my 3rd grade teacher’s appendectomy? 

And why are you whispering like you’re trying to sell me an 8-ball outside the 7-11?

[Pull out phone]…Uh-oh, now I’m being rude. Sorry, my phone’s buzzing. Oh no Abe Vigoda died. Again?! 

I better call my mom and let her know.

“It always depresses me when actors from my favorite shows die. I mean, I’m just now recovering from the shock of losing Angela Lansbury. I can’t take another blow.  If anything should ever happen to Dick Van Dyke, if he just gets cut down in the prime of my life, I will just lose it. 

The worst part is after celebrities die when people talk about actors and their characters reuniting with their already dead castmates in the afterlife. If heaven exists, I guess they wouldn’t want to see their families, their lovers, their pets?

Apparently, these dead celebrities all say screw family, I’m going to see my old coworkers. Like the Golden Girls are definitely up there gossiping and eating cheesecake on heaven’s lanai. 

 When I die, after I’ve had enough of seeing all of my dead loved ones, I know I’ll be thrilled to see my former coworkers in heaven and get back to filling out spreadsheets and circling back on those emails, so I can close the loop on living.

I’m not afraid of death, but I am scared of turning into my parents.

My grandma’s been dead for almost 20 years, but she’s back every time mom picks up the phone.

Now if my mom ever drives her Oldsmobile through an optometrists office…with no injuries, I’ll know reincarnation is a real thing.

When she calls, I don’t even say hello anymore. I just answer and say “ok, who died?”

And if she hasn’t had a chance to read the obituaries that day, she’s just calling, because she just wants to “check in” and update me on people I haven’t seen since kindergarten…and the horrible things that have happened to them.

[Act out her lowering her glasses, lean in close and say]…”now don’t say anything, but…” 

Who am I going to tell, Eileen? Do you think Reddit cares about my 3rd grade teacher’s appendectomy? 

And why are you whispering like you’re trying to sell me an 8-ball outside the 7-11

[Pull out phone]…Uh-oh, now I’m being rude. Sorry, my phone’s buzzing. Oh no Abe Vigoda died. Again?! 

I better call my mom and let her know.

I posted this a while back and have worked on tightening it up a bit:

“It always depresses me when actors from my favorite shows die. I mean, I’m just now recovering from the shock of losing Angela Lansbury. I can’t take another blow.  If anything should ever happen to Dick Van Dyke, if he just gets cut down in the prime of my life, I will just lose it. 

The worst part is after celebrities die when people talk about actors and their characters reuniting with their already dead castmates in the afterlife. If heaven exists, I guess they wouldn’t want to see their families, their lovers, their pets?

Apparently, these dead celebrities won’t even try to see their families, but the fictional characters they played on Charles in Charge are definitely grabbing a couple beers together in the afterlife.

When I die, after I’ve had enough of seeing all of my dead loved ones, I know I’ll be thrilled to see my former coworkers in heaven and get back to filling out spreadsheets and circling back on those emails, so I can close the loop on living.

Speaking of death, our younger selves die slowly as we turn into our parents while we age. You really can’t avoid it.

My grandma’s been dead for almost 20 years, but she’s back every time mom picks up the phone.

Now if my mom ever drives her Oldsmobile through an optometrists office…with no injuries, I’ll know reincarnation is a real thing.

When she calls, I don’t even say hello anymore. I just answer and say “ok, who died?”

And if she hasn’t had a chance to read the obituaries that day, she’s just calling, because she just wants to “check in” and update me on people I haven’t seen since kindergarten…and the horrible things that have happened to them.

[Act out her lowering her glasses, lean in close and say]…”now don’t say anything, but…” 

Who am I going to tell, Eileen? Do you think Reddit cares about my 3rd grade teacher’s appendectomy? 

And why are you whispering like you’re trying to sell me an 8-ball outside the 7-11

[Pull out phone]…Uh-oh, now I’m being rude. Sorry, my phone’s buzzing. Oh no an actor from an old tv show died. Hmmm…who’s calling me?

Oh hi mom…yeah, I know who died.”