Weird ways my trauma presents itself during sex
Do any fellow survivors identify with this? I’m not sure why I did this and need help understanding it.
One of the last times my abuser (ex bf) and I “had sex,” it was a completely different experience than it usually is. After he had been asking for sex and poking me w his boner for the past hour I ended giving in like always; I had felt obligated to and wanted to get it over with. I should mention that this happened 95% of the time we had any sexual contact, and I usually get in my head during it and some sort of trauma comes out. This time was different though because instead of faking pleasure, my entire being went completely numb and I was just laying there limp while he was inside me. I had felt like an actual object in the sense that no emotion or feeling was firing in my brain. Anyway, he surprisingly noticed that I was acting strange and asked me 3 separate times if I was ok and if he could continue. Each time he asked, I became increasingly annoyed with him for asking. Why? I have no idea. I obviously did not want this, but I blurted out “yes I’m fine stop asking me” anyway. After the third time, he had gone soft since he could feel that the energy was off and stopped. Usually he uses my body to finish himself off anyway, but this time, he didn’t. Afterwards, the numbness continued and it wasn’t until a day later that the emotions all hit me at once and I broke down.
This whole thing was just so strange and a new type of trauma response for me, I also can’t help but feel guilty about lying for no reason. Any insight is appreciated, thank you.