I’m in need of advice
Hey guys. Hope y’all are good
I need some advice. I’ve been hiv pos since Oct 2024, and it’s been a horrible time since but overtime I’ve been trying to get my spark back and regain control and I guess a sense of purpose. Since being pos I haven’t entertained any love interests ever since given that I was pos and felt unlovable and viral. This year I decided to try, about 2 months ago I met this woman, my now girlfriend, who was just an acquaintance at the time as overtime we were just friends and had serious chemistry with one another while doing PLT’s for our final year. Okay so for context, before we even had our first kiss, we’d constantly talk, hang out, and have conversations where we’d talk about love. I had floated the question of whether she’d be with someone with an std like hiv and she said that would be her worst nightmare and that she wouldn’t be strong enough to be with someone living with hiv as she would constantly live in fear of catching the disease. I understood her opinion and promised myself that I wouldn’t take anything further than just a platonic relationship with her.
Okay so about a week and a half ago we were hanging out just the two of us, to celebrate her bday. Vibes were nice, and there was some serious sexual tension between us in that moment to the point where we ended up having our first kiss which was amazing and while I was high from our kiss I asked her to be my girlfriend to which she agreed. After hanging out, it hit me like a flood as to why did I break that boundary of our platonic relationship but I was still very much into her and convinced myself that I can tell her of my status and that she’d accept me for being pos and not end things. Okay cool, so about like 5-6 days ago. I had been planning on telling her before anything sexual happened between us and idk I was planning for the perfect time which obviously never happens in life. Alright, so we ended up drinking after lectures at her place that day and I was too drunk to drive home so she invited me to spend the night at her place. To which I told myself that I can restrain myself and not do anything I wouldn’t want someone to do to me because the person who infected me lied to me about their status whilst knowing they’re positive and that was my story. So that night, we ended up cuddling in bed, and things got a bit too heated to the point where I started finger painting her. I lost my mind for that bit to where I eventually came back to reality when I remembered I’m pos and that I’m doing exactly what I promised myself I wouldn’t do. I immediately stopped and she asked me to continue and I told her I couldn’t and that we should just cuddle, of which we did. After that night, I woke up in the morning went home and was saddled with guilt and felt like such a monster that I violated her and that I did such a nasty thing to her and performing something so intimate and sexual with her without her having full disclosure and knowledge of me being pos. Since then she got the the flu, to which I freaked out thinking I infected her though I know that I’m adherent and undetectable but the fear will always be with me. Just for her to go to the doctor and actually have the flu, she’s still coming down from the flu but these past few days have been horrible as I know and have to tell her that I’m pos because I can’t be that man who keeps this a secret and fall into a deeper hole of guilt and shame and continue a sexual relationship with her without her knowing everything. I know I’m messed up and that I have been avoiding going to her place as she has invited me to come cuddle with her in bed to which I told her that I’m waiting for her to feel better so I can take her to a park and that’s where I will break the news to her that I’m pos. I know she’ll hate me, possibly never talk to me again because of my lies and that the foundation of our relationship is built on a lie that I’m healthy but I’m actually living with a std which will break the trust between us and make her question what else I’ve been keeping a secret to which this is the only thing I’ve struggled to tell her. I don’t know what to do. I feel scared to tell her but I know I have to because i really like her and want to try a relationship with someone who can maybe accept me with my std but on the other end I don’t know whether I should just end things without disclosing because I’d be saving her the anger, hate, and her possibly being traumatised from what I’ve done to her. Please I need some advice or just what you would do if faced with this situation.