I lost a friendship that meant a lot to me, and now I genuinely don't know what I did wrong
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I'm posting this because I genuinely want an outside perspective. I'm going to tell the story from my side, because that's the only side I can honestly describe. I know I made mistakes, and I'll mention them too. But I want people to understand why I reacted the way I did.
This was a friendship that became extremely important to me. I'm normally not someone who initiates conversations or lets people get close very easily. With her, I did. I treated her like family, and at one point she was one of the very few people I genuinely trusted.
And that's probably why the ending affected me so badly.
How it started
Our friendship wasn't something I entered expecting to become emotionally important. It just happened over time.
She once told me she had "pity" for me, and I didn't understand what she meant by that at the time. I never considered myself someone who needed pity. I wanted friendship, warmth, understanding and mutual respect.
She also repeatedly said things along the lines of "If looks were the reason, I would never have become your friend." I interpreted that as her saying that our friendship wasn't based on appearance.
I genuinely valued the friendship for what it was.
At some point she even said something along the lines of "you're my friend" in a way that made me believe the friendship mattered to her too.
Then things started changing
There was an incident at the beginning of our second semester.
We were together in a corridor, and suddenly she left with her friend, basically speeding away without saying anything to me.
I was confused and hurt.
Later, she apologized and we reconciled. She told me something along the lines of "you're my friend" and I forgave her because I genuinely didn't want to lose the friendship over one incident.
Much later, she told me that she had actually lost the spark in our friendship on that very day.
That messed with my head because from my perspective, I thought we'd repaired things.
Apparently we hadn't.
The things that started hurting me
There were multiple situations where I felt like I was putting far more effort into the friendship than she was.
If she needed me, I tried to be there.
I remember coming early in the morning because she had asked me to. I did it because I considered that the kind of effort friends make for each other.
But there were also times when I felt ignored, ghosted, or left alone without explanation.
There was one situation where I asked her for a day trip to Mussoorie. She declined.
Then very shortly afterward, she went on a trip with other friends.
I know she was absolutely free to spend her time with whoever she wanted. That wasn't the point.
The point was that I felt like my effort toward her wasn't being reciprocated.
There were also situations where she took other people's side during conflicts, believed things people said about me, or continued being friendly with people who had said things about me that I personally found disrespectful.
I repeatedly tried to talk about these things.
I felt like they were brushed aside.
The things she said that stayed with me
Some things she said affected me far more than I think she realized.
There were comments about my intentions, including things along the lines of:
"Jo behen aur friend ke peeche aise intentions rakhta ho..."
and:
"Looks ki baat hoti toh main tereko kabhi dost nahi banati."
There were also things said about me and, according to my recollection, comments involving my family and my sister.
She did eventually apologize for some of those things.
But an apology doesn't automatically erase the impact.
I know people say things in anger.
I know I've said things in anger too.
But some words stay in your head.
Then I made my biggest mistake
I want to be very clear about this.
I did wrong.
I confessed/proposed to her.
And honestly, I don't even believe I genuinely wanted a relationship with her in the way people might assume.
I was angry, overwhelmed, and tired of feeling misunderstood. I wanted everything to end somehow. I essentially thought:
"If she doesn't care, why should I care? I'll take all the blame and disappear."
That was an awful way to handle things.
I regret doing it.
I apologized.
But I also understand that from her perspective, that could have been uncomfortable and could have crossed a boundary.
I'm not going to pretend I did nothing wrong.
But then everything became much bigger
I tried repeatedly to explain where I felt hurt.
I sent her a very long message explaining what had happened from my perspective.
I wasn't trying to "win."
I wasn't trying to prove that she was a horrible person.
I wanted her to understand:
"This is where you hurt me. This is why I reacted the way I did."
I kept saying that I wanted mutual understanding.
Eventually she brought up harassment and threatened to go to university officials about the situation.
That completely changed something inside me.
Until that point, my brain was thinking:
"My friend is angry with me."
Suddenly it became:
"Could this affect my university life?"
I became scared.
I started questioning everything I'd ever done.
"Was I actually harassing her?"
"Could she take action against me?"
"What if she complains?"
That fear has stayed with me.
Eventually I ended it
At some point she told me she had lost the spark and didn't want to continue the friendship.
I finally told her that she should focus on her life and that from then on, anything related to our PBL would only be discussed in the PBL group.
My final message was essentially:
"It was precious until it occurred. Bye."
Then I blocked her and deleted the numbers I had.
I didn't do that because I wanted revenge.
I did it because I knew that if I kept having direct access to her, I'd probably keep trying to fix something that she had already decided was over.
I wanted peace.
And then she contacted me again
This is where I'm confused now.
After everything, she contacted me again and started talking to me casually, almost like nothing had happened.
I didn't initiate it.
I stayed relatively calm and didn't try to force the friendship back.
But I still felt anxious.
Then she told me she has a new best friend now.
I actually know the guy.
And I hate admitting this, but I felt jealous.
Not because I think she owes me that position.
Not because she isn't allowed to have other friends.
I think it just triggered the feeling of being replaced.
At one point I was the person she called her friend/best friend, and now I'm not.
I don't even know whether I actually want that friendship back anymore.
I just know that hearing it hurt.
Where I am now
I don't initiate conversations with her anymore.
If she talks to me, I can respond normally, but I'm not chasing the friendship.
When I see her, I'm mostly silent.
She's not even in my regular class anymore, but we're still in the same PBL team this semester, so complete separation isn't possible.
For PBL, I'm willing to be professional.
Outside PBL, I don't want to force anything.
And honestly, I don't know what I feel anymore.
Sometimes I think:
"I miss my friend."
Sometimes:
"I don't want this person in my life anymore."
Sometimes I feel angry.
Sometimes I feel jealous.
Sometimes I feel absolutely nothing.
And sometimes seeing a random girl with similar hair, posture, walking style, etc. gives me a few seconds of anxiety because my brain associates those things with her.
Then it passes.
What I'm trying to understand
I don't want Reddit to simply tell me:
"You're completely innocent and she's horrible."
I know I made mistakes.
The confession was wrong.
Repeatedly trying to explain myself probably wasn't helpful.
I probably held onto the friendship for longer than I should have.
But I also genuinely feel that I tried very hard to be there for her, and that many of my feelings came from repeatedly feeling ignored, misunderstood, or unsupported.
What I don't know is where the line is between:
trying to repair a friendship
and
not respecting someone's boundaries.
And I don't know whether I'm being unfair to her because I'm looking at everything through the lens of how badly this hurt me.
So I want an honest outside perspective.
Was I wrong? Was she wrong? Were we both wrong in completely different ways?
And most importantly:
What would you do now?
Because I'm tired of fighting.
I don't want revenge.
I don't want to "win."
I don't even necessarily want her back.
I just want to be able to move forward without carrying this around in my head.
Maybe the friendship was genuinely precious to me.
Maybe it simply wasn't meant to last.
I'm trying to learn how to accept that without turning myself into someone who never lets anybody close again.
Tldr i lost my friend i dont know what should i do now !?