u/delayri

I’ve always been more quiet. Some jobs i felt like the most appreciated person cuz the people around me treat me like an actual human being and are curious about me and want to know me which lead to us having a really good time. Other places i felt like I didn’t belong and I would hear talk about despite me actually trying to fit in and join the conversation, which sometimes i feel like I’m awkward or being ignored when i chime in. This has always frustrated me since I was a kid but what I’m feeling now is beyond any feeling I’ve felt before. I now work in a very small team that has a strong clique. I would sit with them, laugh at their jokes but not really participate because most of the time they are gossiping and making fun of people which I absolutely hate. When they are not gossiping they are talking about personal stuff and I feel awkward chiming in and giving my input. We have completely different interests and personalities and I feel uncomfortable opening up about my personal life to people I barely know just to fit in and so the majority of the time I just listen to them and don’t participate. I did try twice to talk about a party I was going to and the person I was speaking to responded with such a cold tone on the two different occasions and was sooooo uninterested which made me so upset. Anyways, it’s very obvious they don’t like me and would even ignore me sometimes. It’s really draining having to work a 9-5 everyday with people like this. They would act nice in front of some of our other colleagues that don’t work directly with us, but once they are out the door they star shredding them to pieces, making comments about their looks, personalities, gestures basically anything and everything. I know they do the same thing to me and this has been making me go crazy since I really tried to fit in, I tried once to crack my shell and join them on lunch and it was so obvious they didn’t want me there, one of them even made a slightly snarky comment about me joining them. Im so sick of this and I’m starting to take it very personally. I come home upset and have been loosing sleep over this, the feeing of being excluded and rejected despite trying is so frustrating, I’ve never felt this upset and heart broken. How do you even deal with this? I’m tired of making an effort and putting on a mask just to end up being met with coldness. My friend told me to just not care about their perception of me, if they don’t like me theres nothing I can do to change it. I agree with this but I find it so hard to not care. Any advice/similar experiences?