u/delirious_pancakes

I've got a question for those who became POMO while living at home with PIMI family. Did you fade, DF, DA? How did they react? If they didn't kick you out, how did the atmosphere at home change? Was it any better or worse than being PIMO? I'm weighing my options and trying to figure out whether it might be worth attempting to fade while still living here, given that my mother claims she would accept my not going to meetings as long as I don't "interfere" with her faith or do anything "sinful" in the house. PIMO life is very painful for me, but I also want to gauge whether it would be better or worse if I dropped the act and stopped pretending to be someone I'm not.

I'm having a really hard time with this. My exit plan is underway (I should be moved out by the end of summer), I've deconstructed the beliefs, I've sought out people outside JW, but deep down I don't want to have to leave home.

I keep asking myself and everyone supporting me through this process whether I should just drop the act right now, while still living with my family, and let everyone see who I really am. I know the logical answer is, don't do it unless you have an exit plan. I want to accept that, but some part of me won't. Deep down, I keep hoping that some miracle will happen, and that my parents will graciously accept me as their daughter and support me. That telling them I don't believe the Bible or the Organization anymore won't make them love me any less. That my friends will still want to be with me. I don't want to have to move out or find new friends or a chosen family or, well, do any of this shit. I'm really exhausted from living in survival mode; I've been PIMO for over a year now. I've explained in some of my previous posts, I'm in therapy and it's helped. But I don't want to deal with this anymore. I want to transition, and to be loved for who I am without having to ask for it or seek it out.

Here's my question: how do I internalize the fact that my friends and family's love is conditional, and that I will likely lose most of them once I start living authentically?

This is really painful. I just want it all to stop (not in a self-destructive way). I need a hug.

I've got a bit of a dilemma. I'm currently closeted both as PIMO and as a straight (?) trans woman (a "cross-dressing homosexual", in their terms). I currently live with my PIMI parents and am working very hard to become good at my job so I'll have a steady enough source of income to move out.

When the blood update came out, I had a brief discussion with my mom about it. I pointed out how, since the blood doctrine was wrong, the Organization is responsible for the deaths of all whose lives could've been saved by a blood transfusion. It's coercion and murder. The conversation got to the point where I asked if I'd be kicked out of the house if I hypothetically decided to stop attending meetings. To my surprise, she said no.

She said as long as I'm not doing anything "bad" in the house and I don't interfere with her faith, I can live here. My question is, can I trust that? I have a feeling that, even if I can, she might make my life at home an absolute hell. Then again, having to pretend to be someone I'm not all the time and having to engage in their so-called "spiritual activities" is agonizingly painful as well. It's a lot of self-betrayal just to avoid losing my family and friends' "love". Would it be worth it for me to try and say "I don't want to attend anymore, and I don't want to discuss religion any further"?

I'm currently planning my exit and there's something I've had a hard time with. That's finding my "people". Let me explain.

When you're born and raised JW, your brain is literally wired to function within their bizarre, cult-like social structure. Everything from romantic love to interpersonal relationships to even feeling your emotions is defined by the Organization, and as a result is very different from the real world.

I'm starting to think one of the reasons (among many, trauma is complex) I've had a hard time finding friends on the outside is because of what my nervous system expects. It feels as if my brain is specifically wired to seek out a cult-like structure with rigid norms, because that's what's familiar. Real-world friendships and support groups obviously don't function like that, so I'm having a hard time adapting. I believe I crave enmeshment, which is unhealthy. That's probably why so far, all the connections I've found feel unsatisfactory and shallow. 

tl;dr  What's the best way to find my "people" (true, deep, long-term connection) as a transgender, Latina ex-JW?