u/detransicon

Just looking for inspiration and/or others to connect with in similar positions.

Have had a tremendously difficult time trying to build my ego back up again after having it obliterated, after I'd finally began processing two years ago or so that my face was disfigured during transition.

I turned 30 in May. I was trans from 17 to 21. Around 21 I completely let go of transition and embraced being male. I was heavily involved in the bass music/festival scene in the states as an attendee, but quickly became a participant. I'd made friends with a ton of DJs and producers, began DJing amateurishly and started teaching myself music production around 23. I began making a small name for myself locally and online, getting small bookings but most importantly proving to myself that I could be a successful, professional artist in time. The dream and path were clear.

I think a key element was I was blissfully ignorant to my appearance. It sounds like it shouldn't make sense, you'd think "How is that even possible?", but it's like I didn't even comprehend or pay any attention to what I looked like up until around 28. I took pictures, and whatever I looked like was good enough because after all I'd been through, I loved myself and thought I was immaculate. I just loved music and throwing my body around, and people loved me. I got by on confidence and personality I suppose, and in ways I'm grateful for that chapter because it's anchored me in the grounding, sobering thought that maybe that's what counts above all at the end of the day.

A lot of life happened between 23 and now but for brevity. fast forward to around 27 and something clicked in my brain and I just couldn't unsee my reflection as it is anymore. I underwent laser hair removal for over a year during transition and my face looks very unnatural and incongruent to the rest of my body now. My eyebrows were also lasered (which is so ridiculous in hindsight, was my laser tech's idea) into this incredibly unnatural, awkward shape. My beard has maybe 20% left of what was originally there, in this patchy formation. It does not read as "Some guys just have patchy beards". This isn't that, this is obviously unnatural and bizarrely shaped. And there's nothing I can do about it. Shaving looks even worse. So I just keep it as short as I can, but it still immediately reads as "something happened here" in an ugly way.

I feel like an imposter now every day. Like I have this mask on which doesn't accurately represent my aesthetic eye at all, but that I can't take off. Like my face signals to everyone that I am a type of man I am not - one who doesn't understand or care about beauty, which couldn't be further from the truth. How can I walk around like I'm a beautiful man, even when I do feel like I am a beautiful man, at least on the inside, when I'm ugly? Any time I see a sexy guy online, I'm happy for him, but immediately feel inferior, insecure and jealous. How can I ever belong in that world of charisma, sex appeal, beauty, mystique, etc. ever again? I struggle to even wake up in the morning and look in the mirror while applying moisturizer, and here I am supposed to still feel strong enough to shoot for the stars and try and become a celebrity musician.

I look back at old photos I'd posted and have since archived, and I recall how confident I felt taking and posting them, as if I looked gorgeous, and I look at them now and cringe. How could you have not seen how hideous you were? It's embarrassing, but I feel equally as cruel for thinking those thoughts about myself. But I mean I can't lie either, I have eyes. I know what beauty is and what it's not. This is such a tormenting reality.

My mind has become a hell. I try and remember the love people showed me in my early to mid twenties. The supporters I've made wondering where I've been and when I'll be back. The people who don't know about me yet, but who after my hearing my story might deeply resonate and have love for me regardless of what I look like, because they're able to see beneath the surface. But most days it's just too overwhelming to even look in the mirror. Most days I'm paralyzed and hopeless. I feel like I've fallen out of love with myself.

And I'm just wondering if there are literally any other detransitioners out there in similar boats. Not hobby musicians or artists, but those who were actually trying to make a career in the entertaiment worlds. Aspiring or working actors, models, etc. I'd love to know how you guys are managing