i was sexually abused by a million people i knew growing up and idk what to do
ok so im an eighteen year old girl and im pretty and normal for the first part but as i get older i keep remembering being abused by different people. i remember being sexually abused by my grandpa who also abused my mom. he used to bring me to his room and touch me. I also remember my previous stepdad used to touch me and (i think ?) took pics of me or smth maybe recorded and he also hit my mom and was a little physically abusive towards me. i was also touched by my older cousin (who i love and dont blame) who has now passed. so idk how to feel abt her. and i was also touched by my dads friends and also some of my other cousins. and i also talked to rly old guys online (not anymore) idk really what i want out of this post but i just dont know what else to do. i feel like i should be more affected by this than i am. I mean, im only attracted to way older guys, im into weird stuff, i can only get off to remembering my abuse/things like it/being younger with an old guy, sometimes (rarely) i get panic attacks about it, ive never been in a relationship even though im pretty just because it grosses me out. And i really really like touching myself and sometimes thinking about the abuse during it. But im also really normal, not like weird about kids, im pretty, im smart, i get good grades, im nice, im still a virgin, im not mentally unwell. i just feel like being abused like that wouldve messed me up more. And obvi it has but just not that much. Ik a girl who was only touched once and shes a damn mess and a half so idk what to do with that. Idek if im looking for advice i just sort of wanted to talk. also idk what to think abt the maybe pics/vids of me w my stepdad. this all happened before i was eleven