u/disgustedbymyself18

I’m 18 years old, and I recently lost the person I loved most because of something I did.
We had been together for almost a year. She was my first serious relationship and my first real love. I know I’m young, and I know people will probably tell me that I have my whole life ahead of me, but right now it genuinely feels like I lost the person I wanted to spend my life with.
A few weeks ago, something happened that completely changed our relationship.
One night, after we had slept together, we went to sleep. I woke up before her during the night. I honestly don’t know what was going through my head at that moment, but while she was still asleep, I touched her intimate areas.
She eventually realized what was happening and woke up. She was extremely upset and hurt by what I had done. At one point, she thought that I was trying to penetrate her, which made the situation even more frightening and upsetting for her.
I immediately understood that I had crossed a serious boundary, and I deeply regret it.
What makes it even harder for me is that I can’t give myself a good explanation for why I did it. There was no excuse for it. I know that she was asleep and had not consented to what I was doing.
But what makes this situation even more difficult for me is what happened afterwards.
For about three weeks after that night, we were still together. We continued seeing each other, going out together, being affectionate, and having intimate moments. We still told each other “I love you” and other loving things. From my perspective, we were still a couple and there were moments when she seemed genuinely happy to be with me.
She was even sad when I left for my vacation, and nothing about those three weeks made me think that she had completely decided to end our relationship.
Then, after those three weeks, she sent me a message telling me that I had done something she could never forgive.
That message completely broke me because, from my perspective, I had spent the previous three weeks believing that although something terrible had happened, we were still trying to move forward together.
I understand now that her continuing to be with me afterwards doesn’t erase what happened or make it less serious. She may have needed time to process what happened, and I can’t assume that I knew what she was feeling during those three weeks.
She eventually told me that she no longer loved me and that she didn’t want to continue the relationship. She told me that I had deeply disappointed her, and she ultimately decided to leave me.
I know I can’t undo what happened. I know that apologizing doesn’t erase what she experienced, and I understand that she has every right to decide that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore.
But I’m having an incredibly difficult time accepting that one moment of terrible judgment could destroy the relationship I cared about so much.
I loved her deeply, and I still do. I don’t want to use that as an excuse or as a reason for her to forgive me. I just don’t know how to deal with the guilt, the regret, and the fact that I may have permanently lost someone I loved because of something I did.
I’m not posting this because I want people to tell me that what I did was okay. It wasn’t. I’m not looking for excuses or false hope.
I want honest advice from people who have been through something similar.
How do you live with the guilt of knowing that you hurt someone you genuinely loved? How do you accept that you may never be forgiven or get another chance? And how do you move forward when you know that you are the reason the relationship ended?