u/disposaBoy2020

I’m a former gym rat/fitness buff.

hEDS & other conditions took a big toll on my (middle aged) bod this year. I was making progress with a (very experienced) personal trainer after years of decline until hysto complications this winter set me back to zero. He recently paused me & sent me back to PT (that was after 4 months of pelvic floor PT, now back to my old ortho PT).

Somehow I met my wonderful boyfriend 9 months ago. He pursued me hard, he loves me, thinks I’m hot & respects my body. He’s also a bodybuilder who usually screws other muscle jocks. He gets much attention for his looks, which he mentions a lot. & he comments a lot on men we see around & how hot they are - they look nothing like this bearish version of me. We’re in an open relationship, which we both want, but damn I feel awful. It’s also been noticeable how guys react to me at the bars, gay beaches, on the apps. It’s like I became invisible. Now I envy my boyfriend for his desirability & social status & feel just gross. For 20 years I’ve dealt with being trans, short, a bottom in gay men’s community. But I always did fine. The shame & low self esteem & discomfort in my body rn almost feel like being a 14 year old girl again tbh.

I do want to get back to the some form of safe physical activity someday. I’m seeing a nutritionist. I’m at Drs or PT offices almost daily. But I also recognize reality - I can’t return to running, boot camp classes, & heavy lifting 4-6x week with torn hip labrums, herniated discs & so much pain. I want to embrace this version of my body in the meantime, but I’m struggling.

I already talked to my boyfriend about how his words hurt me & he gets it & wants to be more sensitive in the future.

Does anyone else out there feel like EDS prevents them from being fit enough to be valued as men? Especially as gay men? Trans men are always telling each other, “just work out if you wanna pass better, look taller, get attention…” What if I literally can’t work out without self injury?

TLDR: feeling ugly compared to muscle jock cis boyfriend, but hEDS & medical issues forced me to stop working out. Self esteem building suggestions?

FYI: I have a (queer) therapist; I’ve been through a ton of pain treatments & medical care - working with a new team of Drs now; I’m being told I’m 1 BMI point too thin for GLP1s & I can’t afford the copay anyway.

I’ve been scheduled to get my first tattoo for months (it’s next week). My tattoo artist is coming to my city for 2 days only, she’s never been here and lives halfway across the world.

She does have knowledge and experience with hEDS clients. We’ve emailed a ton about her methods and modifications for me, but…

Yesterday my new pain Dr asked if I’d been tested for vEDS. Because I’ve had two hematomas after big surgeries and a rare arterial rupture after laparoscopic hysterectomy in January. Meanwhile I heal from little cuts very fast with no scarring. And I don’t have the “look” of vEDS. I’ve started the process of getting an appointment with Johns Hopkins for vEDS testing. But now I’m terrified about my tattoo being a bad idea. The Hopkins nurse I spoke to on the phone said, “I’m not a Dr and think you’ll be fine, but you need to do some research on your own to decide, it’ll be a while before we can get you in here and test results back.”

Is my tattoo doomed? Am I??? I was so excited. Paid a deposit. Etc. I love the design my artist and I have worked out.

Assuming I do proceed, what is the best strategy for healing etc? I’ve been searching old posts:
-lidocaine spray - (not numbing cream) applied after the outline is done?
-wrap in Saran Wrap, no adhesive sheets. Take off after 2 hours then wash with dye free/fragrance free soap
-sleep on night one in just a button up cotton shirt
-aquaphor for 3 days
-then months of daily unscented lotion as I heal slowly

Any better method than above? Should I cover it in a loose non adhesive pad?

FYI: full color (green, blue, purple, red plus black), highly detailed/delicate design; about 4” across, underside of one pec anchored at the center/sternum area

TLDR: how to heal from a tattoo with hEDS and possible vEDS. Or cancel?!!!

Malpractice cases in the U.S. are rare/hard to prove. Has anyone here successfully sued a physician who didn’t consider their hEDS when providing care? Do you know of lawyers who have experience with us?

A lawyer friend encouraged me to consult with a few lawyers she recommended. I’ve already had one of them say I don’t have a case, but she was totally dismissive of the hEDS component. Says I just had bad luck.

I told my highly rated, big practice surgeon of my EDS, hypermobility, other conditions, and the complications I suffered after 3 prior (unrelated) surgeries. She said the EDS would just make me heal a little slower, but I was a perfectly good candidate for this major procedure. Then a rare complication landed me in the ICU - I had coded in the ER. My health has deteriorated a lot post-op. I think my hEDS put me at higher risk for complications than I was told.

Drs are dismissive, and lawyers are too. It just sucks.

I have FAI in both hips, hEDS, a bunion, and pelvic floor issues + glute & SI joint pain. I need some stability and a flexible upper in a new shoe.

I work from home so casual is
Ok. Right now I alternate between crocs and Allbirds. As my hip pain has increased lately (& my old orthotics fell apart), I want to try something better. Btw I’ve tried noat, orthofeet, Merrill - they all hurt.

I’ve heard good things about Brooks. Anyone have a certain one to recommend?
Ghost Max? Which one?

*can’t afford new custom orthotics rn

I’m dating a great cis guy. Open relationship.

I’m 90% bottom, he’s 90% top. He’s craving bottoming. So… I topped him. I turned all lights off, changed in the corner then slinked under the covers so he couldn’t see it clearly. (I did show him the prosthetic previously). It wasn’t dysphoria exactly, I was embarrassed. But I got into the groove (muscle memory 😆) & he said he loved it!

Days later I went to Ptown with a (cis, gay) friend. We saw guys screw on boats, the beach, in a dark room. Porn played at bars. After a few days my brain zapped. As a bottom I didn’t let myself focus on this, but now I’m ashamed that no surgery, no $ gear can make me ejaculate inside my bf. I’m a cum slut who hates the feel of prosthetics in me - I get it.

In open relationships you can each pursue things the other partner isn’t into. Yay! But when I explore kink with an FWB, I know that my bf is capable of doing that, but just isn’t into it - I’m cool with that & I like my FWB for many reasons. But if my bf goes on Sniffies to take loads, it’s (partly) because I can’t give him that - I feel like I have a deficiency and that = shame.

I’m friends with a cis, gay, vers, open couple. Both average size. But one of them is a mega size queen. I don’t understand how his husband isn’t all in his head because he lacks a monster cock himself. How do I get that confidence?

Any suggestions?

Ps- I have no interest in bottom surgery. And I used a tomboi boxer briefs style harness + a realistic style vixskin dick.

TLTR: how do ftm tops get over the fact that they can’t ejaculate in their bf?

I have bilateral mixed type FAI (hip impingement) with tears. The left got so bad that I had arthroscopic labrum repair in 2018; didn’t help my pain but helped mobility. But extensive PT, a personal trainer who specializes in injuries, & meds via a new ortho & pain clinic made a huge difference. Until…

I had a hysterectomy (everything removed) 7 months ago; I had a life threatening post op complication. After 3 months of pelvic floor PT I was improving a lot but for unknown reasons I have suddenly lost progress. My biggest pain trigger has always been carrying weight, a gallon of milk wrecks me for days. After surgery I’ve lost all my strength gains from training & gained 25 pounds on my 5’3 frame. Sex no longer hurts but long sessions still leave my pelvic floor exhausted and crampy.

I’m seeing a nutritionist soon & PCP about meds (I’ve done well with Lyrica + Celebrex).

Anyone out here have hip + pelvic floor issues? Any tips for med combinations, braces or exercises that helped them get back track?

Edit: forgot to say I have hEDS that wasn’t diagnosed until about a year ago.

I have bilateral mixed type FAI (hip impingement) with tears. The left got so bad that I had arthroscopic labrum repair in 2018; didn’t help my pain but helped mobility. But extensive PT, a personal trainer who specializes in injuries, & meds via a new ortho & pain clinic made a huge difference. Until…

I had a hysterectomy (everything removed) 7 months ago; I had a life threatening post op complication. After 3 months of pelvic floor PT I was improving a lot but for unknown reasons I have suddenly lost progress. My biggest pain trigger has always been carrying weight, a gallon of milk wrecks me for days. After surgery I’ve lost all my strength gains from training & gained 25 pounds on my 5’3 frame. Sex no longer hurts but long sessions still leave my pelvic floor exhausted and crampy.

I’m seeing a nutritionist soon & PCP about meds (I’ve done well with Lyrica + Celebrex).

Anyone out here have hip + pelvic floor issues? Any tips for med combinations, braces or exercises that helped them get back track?

Edit: forgot to say I have hEDS that wasn’t diagnosed until about a year ago.

I have bilateral mixed type FAI (hip impingement) with tears. The left got so bad that I had arthroscopic labrum repair in 2018; didn’t help my pain but helped mobility. But extensive PT, a personal trainer who specializes in injuries, & meds via a new ortho & pain clinic made a huge difference. Until…

I had a hysterectomy (everything removed) 7 months ago; I had a life threatening post op complication. After 3 months of pelvic floor PT I was improving a lot but for unknown reasons I have suddenly lost progress. My biggest pain trigger has always been carrying weight, a gallon of milk wrecks me for days. After surgery I’ve lost all my strength gains from training & gained 25 pounds on my 5’3 frame. Sex no longer hurts but long sessions still leave my pelvic floor exhausted and crampy.

I’m seeing a nutritionist soon & PCP about meds (I’ve done well with Lyrica + Celebrex).

Anyone out here have hip + pelvic floor issues? Any tips for med combinations, braces or exercises that helped them get back track?

Edit: forgot to say I have hEDS that wasn’t diagnosed until about a year ago.

I’ve been dating a (cis) guy for 4 months. He’s: gay-leaning bi, top. It’s an open relationship. We just became “boyfriends.”

He has very little experience bottoming. He has a fantasy about a jacked cis guy topping him. He’s not yet bottomed for me; I’ve offered (I’ve fingered him during bjs). Fine. I have my own fantasies. I’m 90% bottom anyway.

Last night I shared about a recent FWB experience. We always tell when we’ve hooked up. Then he said “I’ve gotta bottom for a big guy ASAP. Just in case. I don’t want to waste your time.”

I’m pretty secure & confident & have been in open & poly relationships before, but I was shook.

If he wasn’t sure about a relationship with a (vers?) bottom, why pursue & commit to me? He said he cares about me, loves our sex life (both are clearly true) & doesn’t think he’s actually a bottom irl. He can’t know that until he’s done it imo. I’ve tried a lot & learned about myself.

I’m overthinking, ugh. Is he one of those ‘top with AFAB folks, bottom with cis guys’ types? Would that even matter? (we both like PIV, he hasn’t topped me anally yet, but he knows I like it); if he’s vers it’s his business. I do things with casual partners that I don’t with him (but he’s not into those kinks). Am I being unfair & insecure? If he breaks up with me, we’re just not compatible & I need to accept that risk, right?

TDLR: Boyfriend wants to try bottoming for cis guys & it’s making us question our relationship.

EDIT: to say please read my other comment below for more context.

I had DI top surgery over 15 years ago, at the time I knew nothing of hEDS. Despite a bad hematoma, I healed ok. I did have a revision to remove dog ears. My top scars are very thin and white, but I’m pale and the scars are long. (And my nipples are kinda flat but at least the shape, size, location is great). I’m very self conscious about them.

I’ve never had a tattoo, but long considered a chest piece to make me more confident about going shirtless and just like my chest better.

A popular and very experienced Korean tattoo artist I follow is making a rare US visit and is coming to my city for the first time. She has prior knowledge of hEDS, uses a very light touch, and gentler machines than average. And she’s looked at photos of my chest. She suggested we avoid bright color and large shapes on the scar line directly, but rather do that around the scar area and use lighter lines to try and fill the scar section not completely cover it. The idea is a smaller tattoo (maybe 5” max) and see how it goes.

Still I’m worried. Will this tattoo look awful after a while because of my thin, stretchy skin? My chest skin is taught and my pecs are firm. But I have an awful lower abdominal scar from a different surgery that healed slowly and badly (flat but had adhesions and is pink, stretched out: laser didn’t help much).

Anyone here have tattoos?