u/ditmoique

I've posted here before, but unfortunately, I didn't get much good advice because it seemed people didn't read the details. So please bear with me, and let me clarify our situation! Standard advice doesn't seem to fit in this case...

My 7-month-old basenji puppy has slept in her crate every night since I brought her home at 10 weeks old. The crate is not too big, she's got enough room to stretch out, but she can't do much more than turn around while standing inside it. She has been exclusively fed in her crate to create a positive association from day 1, and every day she rushes in when I start preparing her food.

I'm in an apartment, and my bedroom is the only room that isn't sharing a wall with a neighbor, so I keep the crate in there so when she cries, it won't bother anyone else. After too many sleepless nights having her crated and crying, I made the mistake of allowing a "compromise" and I leave her crate door open, with my bedroom door shut. Since then, she doesn't cry at night at all, and she often puts herself to bed in her crate when it's bedtime, before I even go to the bedroom. She also goes to hang out in her crate all on her own during the day, even when I'm in a different room on the opposite end of the apartment. So, I know she isn't afraid of the crate itself, but of being locked in.

I am also very VERY careful to never physically force her into the crate. When I need to leave the house, I call her to her crate with some treats. She knows what's about to happen, and at first she runs away (I don't chase her) but a moment later she gives into temptation and goes into the crate herself to collect her treats. At that point, I close the crate door, and this is when calamity ensues. She urinates immediately, every time, even if she relieved herself outside no less than two minutes prior. She screams like crazy, and will continue screaming if she knows I'm in the apartment. However, the moment I walk out the door and lock up, she stops. I listen quietly outside the front door, and from outside the window in the courtyard... she doesn't peep! She also doesn't cry immediately when I return, usually only after a few minutes—I typically wait 2 minutes when I come home, and because she's still quiet, I let her out without fanfare.

I know dogs can't really "fake it" or manipulate, and whatever stress she is feeling (evidenced by the urination and screaming) is real. As I said, she LIKES her crate during the day and at night and gets cozy in there... it's being locked in that she can't handle IF I am in the apartment or even trying to sleep in the same room, where she can see me. I don't think it's separation anxiety because she stops when I exit the apartment. So I am at a loss.

At this point, I have just been having to crate her every day, knowing she's going to urinate immediately no matter what, and that I'm going to have to clean it up when I come home, sometimes multiple times in a day if I'm in and out several times. And no, I am not leaving her uncrated because it would be unsafe for her and my belongings lol. Any advice? Or an explanation?

For additional context:

She gets multiple sniffy walks a day (in total she walks about 1 hour each day), and a wilderness excursion once a week, usually with other dogs too. She has no other behavioral issues; she's not destructive (WITH SUPERVISION, I wouldn't trust her not to destroy the apartment if I wasn't around lol), she's actually suspiciously sweet and super chill, and spends most of her day content to nibble on her toys and cuddle on the couch. I do believe she's physically and mentally/emotionally fulfilled; otherwise, the first thing I'd do to address this issue is more exercise and play/training.

I feel like I'm going crazy here. I need an outside perspective. I am 30. Please forgive the long-winded post. I tried posting on another sub recently, but got nothing.

I'm pursuing a PhD and building a career in academia. My work has been recognized with several awards, including one for my MA thesis. After I published it, friends, acquaintances, and even relatives of friends went out of their way to read it. Many had no academic background and some read it simply because they care about me in some way. My point is: someone doesn't need to be an academic to engage with my work or be curious about it.

My boyfriend has two MA degrees in an unrelated field, but his real passion is creative writing, especially poetry. He shares his writing with me regularly, and I do my best to engage with it, offer feedback when asked, and support him. I recently attended a poetry slam with him—in a language I don't even understand—and he ended up winning. It means a lot to me that he shares that part of himself with me, and I want to encourage it.

The problem is that he refuses to read my MA thesis or anything else I've published. He openly tells me he has no interest in my work. Whenever I explain that this hurts my feelings, he says I'm "forcing him" and becomes even less inclined to read it. I don't think I've ever forced him; I've only tried to explain that it hurts that he's completely uninterested in something that is not just my job, but a major part of who I am.

His position is that he doesn't need to engage with my work because we're already in a relationship and he knows me well enough. He also claims he wouldn't care if I never read his writing, though the few times I've declined to read something in the moment, he seemed upset. What frustrates me most is that when I express hurt, he doesn't engage with the feeling itself. Instead, he argues his position and defends it. He has even accused me of seeking praise, which misses the point entirely. I don't need compliments or even feedback, and he's a very critical person, so I never expected it anyway lol. I just struggle to understand why he has no curiosity about something so important to me.

Recently, we ran into an acquaintance of his at a party. The conversation turned to academic topics, including my own area of expertise. This person confidently explained aspects of the subject and, in my view, got a lot wrong. My boyfriend was deeply interested in what he had to say. I eventually excused myself and went dancing. Later, my boyfriend told me I had been rude. When I explained that I wasn't interested in listening to someone confidently misrepresent a subject I study professionally, he dismissed my concerns and said he respected the man's intellect and valued his opinions. Given that he won't engage with my work on the same topic, that felt insulting.

The last argument happened three days ago. My boyfriend wanted me to watch an hour-long YouTube lecture because it was meaningful to him, and I agreed. About halfway through, I mentioned that the lecturer was discussing ideas that overlapped significantly with theories and findings from my own research, and I again suggested he might find my work interesting. He became offended and accused me of making everything about myself. He called my desire for him to read my work selfish and self-centered.

What makes this even harder is that he can be incredibly kind and supportive when I'm upset about something or someone else. But when I tell him that he is the one hurting me, it's like a switch flips. He becomes cold, defensive, and sometimes mean. This isn't the only area where I've felt that he is unreceptive to the feelings of others, and it isn't the first time our relationship has been strained because of how little concern he seems to have for the emotional impact of his actions.

He argues that this is a cultural difference in how we respond to loved ones emotionally. Maybe culture plays some role, but I have close friends from the same cultural background who are perfectly capable of responding with empathy when someone says, "That hurt me." So I'm struggling to accept that explanation.

Since then, I've barely spoken to him. I feel exhausted, crushed, and increasingly resentful. What worries me most is the future. We live together, and as my academic career develops, research will occupy a huge part of my life. Many of my friendships and social circles already revolve around intellectual and academic exchange. I don't know how to build a life with someone who chooses to remain uninterested in what is arguably the most important and defining part of mine.

What do I even do here? Being loved is one thing, but I want to be loved for the things I love about myself. Does that make sense?

I have a nearly 6 month old B and she’s doing great. She’s healthy, friendly, confident.

I know for certain I will have her spayed, but I’m questioning when is the right time, with consideration for her health, growth, and hormonal/behavioral development. Initially, I planned to do so prior to her first heat because it decreases risk of cancers later in life. However, her breeder suggested that I wait until after her second heat. The breeder has never spayed a female before, but she does have a neutered male, and she believes it would have been better for him to be neutered after the age of two- I’ve met this dog and it’s been implied his mild behavioral issues are due to being neutered too early.

So, I am wondering if spaying my girl “too early” will result in similar issues, or if the case is completely different for females and being spayed before or immediately after her first heat would actually PREVENT behavioral issues. She’s a very sweet and confident girl, and I would hate to make the wrong decision leading to a drastic change that makes her insecure/stressed and aggressive.

I know every dog is different, I am just looking to hear about others’ experiences, specifically with altered females! I don’t think hearing more about neutered males will be helpful, but thank you all in advance!

I have a nearly 6 month old B. Both of her parents are champions, and one of her littermates is a junior + baby champion, so this isn't an issue of breeding. It doesn't bother me, and I think my girl is perfect in every way, but I do wonder why she doesn't have the characteristic "cinnamon bun" tail like the rest of her family.

It's like a tight C shape, almost more like a husky tail when in its most curled state, and most of the time at home, her tail is relaxed like a parenthesis line haha. I'm just curious if others have noticed this in their B or if there is a specific reason for it. TIA!

I know every individual dog is different, but we can probably agree that Basenjis are different from other dogs in general! So, I'm curious if anyone has discovered funny or unexpected ways to make this primitive breed the happiest living in the home.