Do I Tell Her?
I just graduated high school and I used to go to a school with 70 or less students, we only had like 12 teachers. Basically over the years I grew more and more attached to one teacher in particular, I know it sounds wrong but please read it all before throwing judgement. I became very dependent on her and she was my life line for my high school years. There was one day that she helped me through some of my hardest moments, and after that she always checked in and so on so on. I was always very close with all the teachers + students at the school since it was small, we were all like one big family.
My mother and I are close but she struggles with addiction and my father lives elsewhere but we are also close. I never took her addiction well, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for a long time now but it at it's peak right now. When I was still attending school I would get anxiety when I saw her but also did anything to get attention from her. Her presence felt safe and I yearned for it. It's taken over my life.
I moved away before I graduated from that school and went to another school to finish, during that time I visited the school whenever I could. Every time, I visited my mother you bet I was there at the school, and when it came time to leave I sobbed and sobbed. I was distraught. It felt like grieving someone who is still alive and I also missed everyone else but mainly her. It felt like losing a parent.
I should get to the point. This coming school year will be her last. Since she is planning to retire, I have been terrified of this moment since I started getting attached. I would also like to mention I am in therapy and we are working through it but basically I was suggested by someone and also got my therapist's opinion on whether or not to tell her this. I would obviously word it differently and all. I had giving her a letter as well as a few other teachers, It made them all cry lol but her letter was the longest and I think most impactful. I was hoping it would give me closure but unfortunately it did not. I still have this lingering fear of her leaving and it is taking a toll on my everyday life. Simple tasks feel impossible. I want to tell her the impact she's had on me, not the beat around the bush version. I've always avoided things out of fear. I want her to know how much I look up to her and how much she's changed my life but I don't know if it will give me the closure I think it will, I'm terrified I'll never move on from this.
On top of that I really don't know what I would tell her, I know how I feel but to put it in words and not sound like a freak or creepy feels impossible.
This post took a lot of courage and fear to write and post so please be gentle.🥲