"You are the only person I feel like this with now"
Full vent. Feel free to see last posts, they are very... very descriptive.
Anyways, after some time at her parents, moving out, taking the dog, going into a partial hospitalization program, and getting out. She returned home! Unanounced. But, she returned. With the dog.
I was very surprised, after several months, I had begun to forget her voice. She provided 1-day, with the mask on, almost as if she was trying to prove that she had gotten better. But, a mask is a mask. Inevitably, that mask came off, and I was left with the same person that I had been trying to carry through their depression, just to inevitably find a finger pointing back at me as a result of.
By day 2 of this sporadic hang-out, she noted "you are the only person I feel like with this now, with everyone else, I am happy, I am goofy, I am myself, and I am fun!"
For those who have heard this before... I just think its so especially important to iterate the reality of it.
Every other person that she has a relation with at every point wasnt fucking there, the entire time. I dont want to say I supported in perfection at every single moment. But I was there. My response, genuinely was "Okay, so, you have your family, and your friends, and all those people in your life that are now there right? Tell me... if you had an anxiety attack, and screamed "fuck you" repeatedly at any of them how would they respond? If you went up to your sister, took her dog, left, and blocked her, the next time you saw her how would she respond? If you were responsible for your roommates electricity, and you didnt pay the bill for the entire lease without saying anything... leaving them coming home from vacation with their electricity off and all of their food bad... how would they respond?
You compare me to relationships with people who havent been here the entire time. And have never been affected by your mental health in anway. So, yes, I am sure it is very easy for you to hang out with them without the emotional weight of the guilt around your actions."
These are few actions... among many.
But it is sad, how blind some of these folks can be. She can see nothing with the exact exception of : "yup, he must just cause we anxiety generally"
My reward for having had stuck around through everything, and capturing all of the collateral damage of her symptoms, is getting the worst version of her... the unnaccountable one, who feels nothing but guilt, which beggets anxiety, which you are then blamed for causing.
While, all of the people that were not there get the best version of her. The easy relationships, that were not there... that were not affected in any way at all.
Try to convince them of this logic, and it is controlling. Or manipulative. Or you are "attacking their character"
attacking their character, by telling them the things that they have done.
Sorry. This vent is extremely resentful.
But, truly, I never thought I would be posting here again. I am not mad at her. I am mad at myself... for believing again, for just one moment.
How small I am finding myself again.
Thanks all. Any words are appreciated.