u/dulciloquenty

I’ll use abbreviation to protect my identity from nearby people

Back in 4th grade, I met a girl named m and one of her friends. They heard me singing a TikTok song, and we got along. We followed each other online, especially me and M. During the COVID lockdown, I started missing her and began to feel like we could have been close. It was the first time I really liked someone.

Eventually, I asked M out, but she said no. When that happened, I felt a huge emotional shock. I blocked her and tried to move on.

Later, when school returned after quarantine, I remembered another girl from that friend group named C . I wanted to be friends with her, but I never had the courage to talk to her directly. Instead, I kept telling my friends about her. Eventually, they told her that I liked her.

When her friend group found out, they laughed and started teasing me. They chased me around saying, “You like c!” I remember running away with more fear and adrenaline than I had ever felt before. It was embarrassing and overwhelming.

A few months later, I sent c an email saying that I liked her. I also admitted that I had been jealous when she spent time with another guy. Somehow, that email got shared around, and it felt like everyone in 6th grade knew about it. I felt like people were always watching me, and that was when my anxiety really started.

In 7th grade, I still felt nervous whenever c was around. Most people seemed to have moved on, but I couldn’t stop worrying. I felt uncomfortable whenever she was nearby.

Later, I noticed a group of girls looking at me strangely. I wasn’t sure why. One possibility was that they had seen an incident where a guy grabbed my phone and tried to look through my search history. I panicked and sprinted after him to get it back before he could see anything embarrassing. Looking back, maybe it looked strange to other people.

By 8th grade, my fears had grown. I started believing that people thought I was weird. I was overweight at the time, and I worried that people judged me for everything I did.

Around that same time, I became desperate for love. I kept hoping some girl would ask me out because I couldn’t let go of the happiness I thought I had missed.

As the years went on, more people seemed connected through friendships and friend groups. I started recognizing entire social circles and worrying that everyone knew things about me.

I also thought a lot about my relative. When we were younger, we had a confusing experience that made me feel loved and important for a short time. When it ended, I missed that feeling badly. Later, I worried that she might have told her friends about it, which could have spread rumors through people connected to my school.

In 8th grade, I started liking A. I thought she might have liked me too, but nothing ever happened. Eventually, I gave up on those feelings.

As time passed, I noticed many students changing. Some became troublemakers, skipped classes, or got into bad influences. At the same time, I became more insecure and socially withdrawn.

By 10th grade, my insecurity was at its worst. I became depressed, angry, and lonely. Even though I thought I looked okay, I constantly worried about how other people saw me.

A few girls spoke to me during that year, but most of those conversations never went anywhere. One of them was Z. I remembered seeing her years earlier in elementary school, but I didn’t think much of her until 10th grade.

I followed her on Instagram and became curious about her life. Over time, that curiosity turned into constant checking of her social media. I looked through her posts, reposts, TikTok accounts, and other online profiles. I realized I had become obsessed with learning more about her.

Eventually, I developed feelings for her and asked her out on February 12, 2026. She either didn’t hear me correctly or didn’t realize what I meant. Later, I messaged her online. She seemed uncomfortable, so I apologized. After that, I told her that I thought she was beautiful.

She responded kindly and explained that she wasn’t ready for a relationship. A few weeks later, though, she got a boyfriend. Seeing that hurt.

Not long after, they broke up, and she seemed very depressed. During that time, I tried to focus on myself. I experimented with drugs like shrooms and LSD. The experiences changed how I viewed myself and the world, although they also came during a difficult period in my life.

Now it’s June 2026. I’ve been trying to focus on improving myself, but sometimes I still struggle with thoughts about what could have been. I wonder if I could have been happier or had a better high school experience.

Looking back, many of my fears came from embarrassment, rejection, loneliness, and constantly worrying about what other people thought of me. Whether those fears were real or not, they stayed with me for years and slowly grew into anxiety.

But I grew up in a abusive household, always being traumatized, and I was exposed to love at a very young age with this girl when we were 4-5 and we kissed on the lips then next year I haven’t seen her ever since.