AITAH If I don't put my in-laws in my bridal party
Hi everyone! I feel pretty strongly about this situation, but I wanted outside opinions before I potentially make a fool of myself.
I’m 27F and currently planning my wedding for October 2027. My fiancé (30M) and I have been together for nearly eight years, so we’re both very close with each other’s families. This wedding has been a long-anticipated event for everyone, and I really want people to feel included and loved.
I’m very close with both of my brothers (22M and 15M), and I plan to have them in the wedding party. My middle brother will be my man of honor, and my baby brother will be a groomsman for my fiancé. Besides my man of honor, I’m only having two bridesmaids: my two closest friends from middle school.
Meanwhile, my fiancé has six close male friends, plus his godbrother and my younger brother, on his side. At first I felt awkward that my side would be much smaller than his (3 vs. 8), but I’ve made peace with it because everyone on my side is someone I’m extremely close to and genuinely want beside me all day.
Here’s the issue: my fiancé is not close with his brother at all. Their relationship has always been strained, partly because his brother bullied him pretty violently growing up. However, due to complicated family circumstances, my fiancé ended up being his brother’s best man a few years ago. I was also a bridesmaid in that wedding because I’m fairly close with my fiancé’s SIL.
Since we got engaged, my future SIL has started heavily hinting that she expects to be a bridesmaid and that her husband will obviously be a groomsman. While I care about her, I wouldn’t consider her one of my closest friends, and my fiancé genuinely does not want his brother in the wedding party. His brother still triggers a significant trauma response for him, and I want to respect that.
We know an uncomfortable conversation is probably coming when we tell them they won’t be included. I’m wondering if we’re being unfair since we were in their wedding party.
We’ve talked about maybe giving his brother another role, like ushering, but it feels wrong to pressure my fiancé into including someone he isn’t close to, especially given their history. Of course, his brother will still be invited to the wedding, and I’m hoping that will be enough.
I’m also nervous they may retaliate by refusing to let our niece be the flower girl. That probably sounds dramatic, but they can be petty sometimes.
I also worry this could become a bigger issue because both of my brothers are included while his brother isn’t. But the difference is that we’re genuinely very close with my brothers. My fiancé has known my younger brother since he was 7 years old and sees him almost like his own sibling.
Are we being unfair here? I really don’t want to create tension in a family that feels like my own, especially over dynamics that existed long before I came into the picture.