u/electronicfog

It took 3 months to work the first time. After stopping abruptly in December I re-started in June. 4 months later and I can't go more than 3 good days straight.

150XL. It changed my life a year ago. The entire month of September I felt good. I had enough consistency to develop a sense of happiness and self-love. Even in the bad days that eventually returned [more rarely] I could look at myself in the mirror at the end of them and say I loved myself and was happy.

I lost that person by the end of March. I miss them so much.

I have been crying more often lately. Sometimes I get couch-locked again. Everytime I feel I'm building up momentum it comes crashing down.

My psychiatrist prescribed 300XL but I chose to pickup the final 150 Rx as my insomnia was more controlled. I thought it would finally kick in.

Should I keep taking the 150 until I see her in one month? Get the 300? The fear I had of this not working a second time became true. If 300 does not work, or I have to go back to 150 and it still doesn't work...

I feel so lost

I've been in a steady decline since end of March, mentally, and the stats for Bullet, Blitz and Rapid games show an inverse proportionality to this. It has happened before when I had great streaks despite not feeling well. And despite feeling good, sometimes I started to trend downwards. It always confused me...

I read online that a game like chess gives you an escape from all the burdens and this allows you to enter a hyperfocus mode. Fascinating. Too bad that the anhedonia nullifies any sense of accomplishment or satisfaction from seeing my scores go up.

I was wondering if anyone else experiences this. Before, I thought I could gauge my mental health with my chess stats. Now, it's just...confusing