u/emeraldheart

This is long. I've got a lot I'm processing and it's hard to make it a short message without losing some important context.

I'm in an uncomfortable situation and am trying to determine if I'm being unfair and what the best way forward would be. For the purposes of this post, my friend's name will be Derek.

Derek and I have been friends for more than 10 years and we've been through a lot of stuff together. We've supported each other through some personal crises and traumas and bonded closely from those experiences.

Derek has always struggled with emotional regulation, terribly low self-esteem, and depression and I've often been there to help support him, by listening and empathizing and trying to provide gentle help when I can. For Derek, even a "small" issue can feel like a crisis, which results in many emotional texts sent my way, which I would then respond to as best I can. I've always been considered a "good listener that is easy to talk to," which historically has led to people sharing deeply personal issues with me because I present as empathetic, curious, and kind.

While I love that I can support people in this way, for this friend in particular it has become genuinely exhausting. Things are either good or terrible for him, and it changes rapidly, producing anxiety in me about which version of Derek I'll be getting at a given moment.

Here is the pattern: He'll experience a barrier, a bad mood, a setback, and then send me big feelings messages about how he'll never be happy, or he'll never have a partner, or other low-self-esteem stuff. When I respond with empathy, support, it doesn't appear to improve things or appears to make things actively worse and I end up feeling exhausted and worried. Sometimes a positive thing happening in my life or my friends' lives will trigger one of these messages about how he will be alone forever, how he wishes he had money to do the things we are doing, how he'll never get to do XYZ thing... and I feel simultaneously empathetic towards his situation and angry that he's making a happy thing in my/our friends' life about him. Still, I have tried to be comforting or send empathetic responses.

When we hang out in person, it's usually really great and we have a wonderful time. Sometimes he's struggling and we just do something chill or relaxed, and sometimes he's *really* struggling and these comments come through and I try to be supportive or change the topic back to the fun thing we're doing.

Unfortunately, because of this 10+ years of this pattern, I've started to dread talking to him, or hanging out with him because I feel like these "crises" could pop up any time or any positive thing I share will trigger him into a depressive episode. Worse, I've started to feel some bubbling anger/frustration/resentment towards him that I fear is damaging our friendship. It's irrational and unkind, and I never voice it at him, but it has slowly grown and I decided to take some steps.

TLDR (if you want to skip here, it's about a friend who sends a lot of emotional venting texts to me): Here is what I am doing:

I am responding less to his emotional texts. I'll say something simple and supportive, like before, but then completely stop. If it continues past that, I will remind Derek of his counselor and suggest he share that with them.

I set a soft barrier, letting Derek know that I don't always have the energy for this stuff but that I will support when I can. That worked for a bit.

Recently, Derek stated a few times that he doesn't have anyone in his life to talk to.

I felt a mix of deep guilt and frustration, and ultimately decided to set a more firm boundary because it was that or return to the status quo which wasn't working. I sent him a message the other day essentially saying that I don't think I'm the right person for this intense stuff anymore because of what it is doing to our friendship and I end up internalizing what he is feeling and it produces a bad co-dependent cycle for us. I stated I want our friendship to stay healthy, so I might not be the right person for the more intense stuff, and that I'd rather be the friend for fun plans, escapism, relaxing. I stated that I really love when we hang out in person and all the fun things we do.

He responded that he feels like he's only allowed to be "ok" around me and that he doesn't feel like he can share smaller issues with me either. He did agree to step back, however.

I worry if I'm doing the right thing here, or if I'm being a selfish jerk to my friend who is really struggling and has always been really struggling. The negativity growing in me towards my friend was really upsetting me and I wanted to repair/salvage our friendship, though it seems to mean I have to keep my friend at arm's length because I can't handle their emotional intensity anymore.

Any external perspective is helpful. I'll answer questions if it helps with more context. I didn't want this post to be any longer and more unreadable.