u/emma_petals

My alcoholic dad died at 63 from liver issues in 2021 on my 30th birthday. I’m finally in therapy to process the trauma of growing up with an addict parent and I’ve come to realize how much my behavior is shaped by my relationship with him.

I first started listening to Phoebe Bridgers a couple months after he died and I didn’t know what to make of her tbh. I was hooked, but also deeply put off for some reason.

Now that I’ve been to therapy, I think the reason her music put me off is cause I relate to her music so much - like painfully so. Obviously Kyoto is about her dad, but I have a feeling that almost every song off Punisher features lyrics about her dad in some way or another.

What‘s also interesting is that Bo Burnham’s album “Inside” was the only thing I could listen to while my dad was dying in the hospital. I had it on repeat while driving 10 hours to his memorial. I usually never listen to comedy albums, but that album touches on grief and existential dread in such an approachable way that I couldn’t get enough of it.

I was so heart broken for her when her dad died. But I knew she’d deliver a masterpiece once she finally released her first post-death album, especially if she worked on it with Bo Burnham in any capacity. And of course, I’m obsessed with Lost Weekend. The fact that she starts the album with a joke about crying and dissociating at her dad’s funeral is so specific and relatable - and it just gets better from there.

I’m so grateful to her and the artists she collaborates with for helping me process my own trauma. Lost Weekend captures all of the contradictions, traps, projections, feedback loops, hopes, dreams, fantasies, joys, and even drudgeries of life as the adult child of an addict (or just a human existing *in these times*).

Also…she calls him Bobby!!! I can’t get over that.

I am 100% the audience for this album, and it’s a 10/10 for me!

I‘m having a hard time writing this because I don’t want to face the truth. But the truth is there, and it’s not going away, and ignoring it is making me miserable.

I think I made a mistake getting married. my husband (33 m) and I (34 f) have been married for 9 months, and I have not enjoyed being a newly wed. Its not that he’s a bad partner. He cooks almost every meal, does the grocery shopping, vacuums, feeds the cats. He’s loving and kind. He‘s my best friend. We’ve been together for almost 8 years total.

But we almost never have sex. when we do, he finishes in a few minutes. I never finish. We started trying to a baby a few months ago and I had to basically trick him into having sex while I was fertile. He’s just almost never in the mood.

We’ve talked about it, gone to therapy about it, and tried all sorts of things. But it never gets better. I was grateful at first because Ive lost interest sexually in relationships in the past and been pressured into having sex when I didn’t want to. I figured that since I always lose sexual interest eventually, I was lucky to find a guy who wasn‘t very sexual to start with.

I’m also realizing that I don’t think I want kids. I always thought I wanted a family, and I married my partner because I knew he’d be a great dad. I had an awful abusive father growing up, so finding a good dad to my future children was a priority.

But then we started really trying and I went to an OBGYN and she immediately booked me for all sorts of blood tests and procedures because I’m almost 35. I panicked and never went back. I don’t actually want to get pregnant. Im starting to realize that I’ve been dreading pregnancy and raising a kid for years now. It’s possible that I do want this, just not with my husband. Either way, the thought of it makes me feel depressed.

There are other things wrong with the relationship that marriage isnt gonna fix. I can’t believe I thought that making a big commitment would change me somehow. I dont think I’m meant to be anyone’s wife tbh.

But I can’t let him go. I can’t willingly walk away from him and his love. He’s my husband. He’s my family.

What should I do? My sister thinks I’m just afraid of commitment. Everyone in my family loves my husband. I don’t trust my own instincts and never really have. I have CPTSD and ADHD, so the only way I get anywhere in life is by ignoring my gut instinct and making choices based on logic, even if my emotions are screaming at me. But at this point it’s torture - I feel so stuck.

Edit: Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful comments! At least I feel less alone. I wanted to mention that I have been in therapy, but I can never stick with a therapist for more than a few months. My mom was a therapist and an alcoholic, so I have a VERY hard time trusting therapists. I‘ll start looking for another one though - I can see now that I’ll need to work on myself whether I stay or go.