How to get over a drug/porn addict?
I (32) dated a meth addict (43) for almost three years. I have a couple posts about it in other threads so I'll try to keep it short. Basically we love bombed each other and I got hooked early on. Its likely I have BPD or some other obsessive disorder bc he became what they refer to as a Favorite Person.
Anyway, he assured me his drug use was casual and that he wanted to quit someday as it affected his life. The more I got to know him the more I realized he was a gooner which kind of excited me cuz I have a super high libido when I'm in love and like to be sexualized by my partner. Our relationship was turmultous from the beginning but I believed that if our relationship just became solid enough he would eventually delete his exes and stop needing to watch so much porn and get sober. It affected his libido greatly he had ED problems but I tried to not let it affect my feelings too much tho it did.
I was happy to dress up in the clothes he liked and appeal to his kinks. I can't remember a time I said no to him and I myself would come up w ideas for us. But the longer we were together he still talked to his exes and still had phone backgrounds of other women. He would randomly mention how hot other rail thin women were. It turns out he's not actually a sex addict he's a porn addict and it constantly would ruin my birthday and other holidays. Even tho I made all of his birthdays special. I would dress up for him and we would go to concerts or festivals but he would point out 3-4 other women who were hotter/thinner and then get upset at me for being deflated. I admit it would make me explosive and I would go days of being mad and running him down. He would apologize and we would make up until he did it again or I checked his phone and found the next girl he was talking to.
Anyway long story short I endured 3 years of begging for him to just prioritize me and get clean but he would ditch me last minute to do speed and goon and tell me my feelings don't matter and he would never care about them during arguments. Despite that we formed an insanely deep bond and I haven't seen him in 6 months but I still think about him almost every day. I miss rubbing his back and packing his lunch and spending time with him. I even dated someone else for a few months and it didn't work out bc I couldn't get over the ex and give myself entirely to the new relationship despite how well he treated me.
I fantasize about us getting back together and him going to rehab for me but it's literally never going to happen. I just looked up his reddit finally (surprisingly) and found all his comments on other hotter women back when we were officially together and comments on meth forums about how it hasn't affected his life. (He lost custody of both kids) I can't understand why I can't let him go when he clearly only pretended to give a shit about me. The times that were good were so intoxicating it almost was like being an addict myself. I can't seem to let my guard down w men now and I'm not even interested in casual sex or anything at all anymore. I pretty much just work and go home and try to avoid the men at work and in my life. Like should I just go out and sleep with other men to feel better or just keep being a shut in? I had to get back on ssris but they have just continued draining my personality.