You should get everything you need in your relationship from one person
Now hold on, this is a poly positive post! Obviously there’s nuance but I’ll use definitive statements to try and make a point.
I’ve been practicing poly for a few years now, failed in my marriage over a year ago, years of therapy and reading and practice. I personally value poly and still practice it. Here’s why I think this post’s title is important.
Often, especially from mono married people attempting poly, we hear the phrase, “one person can’t possibly give you everything you need.”
I disagree with this and the sentiment that it carries. Contracting-out an unmet need in one relationship to another does not work. It is a crutch to avoid a breakup or acceptance of an incompatibility. Just because that need is “met” elsewhere does not mean you are not still lacking it with your other relationship.
I propose that everything you need from your relationship should be completely satisfied by one person. That people should not be used to fill unmet needs of other relationships. That it is ineffective and often unethical to even try.
Each relationship, should completely satisfy what you need from that relationship. I do not date multiple people because one of them doesn’t meet a need that I have. I date each person to give and find everything that we need from eachother within our relationship.
Sure, if you’re a homebody sometimes and adventurous other times, it’s nice to have one partner who is a book worm and one who is an avid hiker. That’s not what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about how, if you feel a need in your relationship with one person such as (sex, communication, affection, understanding, financial compatibilities, escalations, shared politics ect), it should be met by them. If it is not, you should let go of this desire or end the relationship with them. Do not contract out that labor or compatibility with another.
Make sure to give and revive everything you need from a relationship with the ONE person.
This is a thoughtful analysis more than a prescription. Please let me know what you think!!
Edit: just wanted to say thank you guys for your discussion and opinions here! Lots of very civil disagreement and I appreciate the input!