Avoidant ENM ex partner wanted a FWB, but totally misled me with their intentions.
HELP WITH VETO POWER BOUNDARIES - I had an intense but short relationship with a man. He initially was all I was looking for in a secondary partner. We agreed that it is possible to love more than one person and was really keen on me. He said he could see me once or twice a month ( we live in different cities) and was the one really pushing for regular dates where he was super romantic -holding hands, calling me pet names, holding me super close at gigs.
I was constantly checking in on him regarding his wife as he was reapproaching ENM for the first time in a long while. I was also even checking in on their boundaries, like what display of affection I could show in public at gigs where they might have friends attending. Our last date his wife allowed us to spend the night, and I was so grateful for the change her boundary. However two days later he ended it abruptly saying his wife was suffering too much.
He then pushed it back on me telling me to take responsibility for MY feelings and that he wasn't looking for a poly partner and that he was always clear about wanting a FWB.
He also said that his wife had asked him not to disclose how she was feeling incase it ruined things for us! WTF? When I showed I was clearly upset and felt misled by his lack of transparency and communication he ghosted me and it's slowly made me more and more enraged. So they both deceived me on purpose?
Now I feel like I was their experiment or a play thing and I am pissed. I'm having such a hard time meeting normal men in ENM. Last guy was a creep who SA me. Gah. (Not mu first SA either, so I don't get vulnerable with men very often.)
I feel like I'm asking all the right questions in my ENM relationships, always checking in on primary partners, being courteous and showing up with good intentions. I'm in a celibate marriage and I'm so in need of affection and intimacy but keep getting really hurt... And then I become vengeful. I'm a very kind and generous person until I feel I'm disrespected.
Is ENM is a bad lifestyle for me? I have FWB so I am capable of that type of relationship, but I'd like more connection, like I had with this guy, but with honest ethical communication obviously! How do y'all navigate the veto conversations/situations? And is it common that a veto ends with ghosting? I am so bad with ghosting...which is another story.