Has anyone struggled with their imaginary person
Hi!
Has anyone struggled with having a different persona in them?
I've only recognized it as such as I'm writing this.
It ended up becoming a bit of a long reflective post, sorry. Thanks for the space in advance.
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I'm 30, and after 23 years, I've finally gotten access to hrt.
During those 23 years, I think I've created a different persona of my intended sex, in an effort to cope with the fact that I had to live as my agab.
I'm not sure if I can say it's daydreaming, it's a lot closer to dissociating, but the thoughts and memories I had as "myself" are clearly separated from this persona, who, I think, has it's own life and own views.
I recognize this persona as something I'd made up as a youth (I remember desperately praying to god that I can be that exact person when I was 8), but as I've grown, I think I've assigned them specific memories tied to specific locations with specific people, most of which don't directly link with my own memories, thus creating a completely different narrative than what I experienced.
By the time I was 17 it was more something that was playing in the back of my head, like I'd go somewhere and see something interesting, and think "oh look, they're enjoying that" meanwhile I'm doing something entirely different, with different emotions and thoughts.
Around 24, I had a really bad mental breakdown where I broke up with my partner, went radio silent to my family and dearest friends for 3 years. A lot of this had to do with trying to face my transness, and failing to do so.
I was afraid of the persona I'd made that still lived in my head, because that wasn't "me" or "real". Throughout the years I'd molded this persona, I've come to find them immature and wreckles (Of course, the fact that I just up and left for 3 years and had several near-death experiences in an unfamiliar environment proved to me they were still closer to me than I thought).
Fast forward 6 years later, and I'm having the exact same urge to run again so bad. I've made it 3 weeks in, reminding myself that this is what I'd wanted, and what I should do for my health instead of going back to destructive habits. The first day was exciting, that I'd finally done it and it's happening. Now I'm struggling to stop myself from packing my suitcase again because the thing I made to help me survive this far has become a threat.
I'm a lot healthier now than I was 6 years ago, and I have enough faith that I'll figure it out, but it's been so disheartening in the last 3 weeks that every application I do comes with fear and shame. That I've given this persona so much of the happiness that I couldn't experience, and have disconnected it from myself. That now, treating myself feels like I'm morphing into this caricature I've made, and not something organic.
Logically I know none of this to be true, and that I'll be okay, but I just feel so stupid. All of this just so I can go outside without forgetting how I got there.
I wrote this because I was curious if anyone else had similar experiences. I know many experiences talk about "knowing" they're trans, or have a direct correlation of their sense of self and transness, but mine felt more like a desperate wish that haunted me my whole life. I never got to relate to femininity or masculinity because I was just forever on the sidelines.
Overall I can only pray that I can be happier in the future. Anyways thanks for letting me rant.