u/epelfelmiers

and i for spme reason dont want to either. i loathe people who're being actively targeted since i feel jealous of the attention they're getting, which i know is disgusting, but i can't help it. i fucking hate being 'safe' or whatever you'd call it, and i hate other's getting attention while im left on my own. Im aware its a weird thing to feel but theres genuinly nothing i can do, so atp killing myself would be the only way to get rid or the thoughts

i hate where i'm at in life currently. i don't have any friends, and i miss my old online friend group more than anything, despite being very well aware they were grooming me. hell, they weren't even subtle about it in the slightest, calling me their victim, joking about how they were the 'better abuser' in reference to others in the group when i whined about them.. all in all, even if i know i should find it 'horrible', it was the best time of my life, and i've never felt this wanted no matter who i talked to after it.. i don't know what else to say, i just miss the attention, and i miss being talked to all day every day, and treated like the center of the universe, even if it was for the price of being victimized

i doubt my singular friend would get it without being weird about it, so ranting here is kinda the only thing i can do,, this'll sound really weird, but i've been getting groomed on and off since i was 6, and lately i've come to realize it changed my needs all together. i used to want someone my age, nice, mean, i didn't really care, and to work with kids at some point.. but now i honestly just want someone like my dad, who's my biggest support system, and to someday be someone's stay at home wife.. knowing that makes me feel kinda weird, but i can't physically fathom dating someone who *isn't* a possessive smoker atp.. which is confusing considering i used to despise my father's smoking, but oh well..

i Hate being ignored. I hate it moew than anytging. i just want someone older to actually fucking care about me nd not just see my age, i want someone to finalld spend all their love && attention on me and only me, and to not disappear on and ignore me out of. nowhere??????? imgeni8nly going crazy dude all ive been doing over this week of complete radiosilence is think anout having somwonw like my dad to love me.. it sounds weire but i know i cant do a healthy relationsgip with someone my age, i need spmeone older or atleast someone who'll be messed up witg me whicg is probs really stupid but idc at this point. atp i might just. Camp out near the cigarette dispenser in my village the way men go to beaches to find pretty women to find some older dude.. kmskmskms lol. anyways pray they come back soon before i lose my mind