u/ephemeral_lizard29

(cw for brief mention of sui thoughts)

Does anyone else have a sleep cycle that's so delayed its like you're fully nocturnal? I'm trying so hard to stay awake during the day and sleep at night, but I don't naturally feel awake until about 11pm, and then I take melatonin around 12 or 1am and it kinda helps me get some sleep. But if I was following my natural sleep cycle, I'd be waking up at 11pm or so and then sleeping all day.

I can't just be nocturnal bc I don't want to be stuck at home, by myself, with no sunlight, basically removed from all of society for most of my waking hours. As much as I hate being exhausted all day I kinda feel like that would be worse.

It makes me feel like I'm half-alive most days. It's harder to enjoy things, it's almost impossible to get into a good productive flow state, I don't feel driven towards much of anything. I feel like I'm missing out on actually living.

I've tried staying up a little later so I can at least enjoy 2-3 hours of feeling awake and productive at night before going to bed, but that always makes it harder to sleep, even with melatonin or sleeping pills, and I end up even more exhausted.

At this point I feel like I'd rather die than keep living like this. Anyone else like this? How do you manage? Are you able to enjoy life?

I'm reading about poverty of thought and relate so hard. ie, brain often feels empty, slow processing/response time, not being sure what to say in conversation, not having much to contribute in work meetings, low motivation, etc. I can't stand it. Wondering if I might have a mild version of it, or at least something similar.

The thing is, they say it's usually associated with schizophrenia or severe mental illness, which I don't have. I have heard anecdotally it could be a rare presentation of adhd?? Most people with adhd have the constantly thinking, hyperactive brain type, but I've always been the complete opposite. (I'm not diagnosed but I'm pretty sure I have ADHD-I)

I also have a nocturnal sleep cycle, which I think makes it worse.

If you experience this (or something similar), how do you manage? Is there anything that can help make your brain more awake, more active, have more to say in conversation, etc?