u/establishedc

I can already see on this subreddit that this is a universal experience where ppl were "assaulted" in their sp dreams— but i just wanna make a post about my own experience bc I cannot forget it, however i feel weird bringing it up in conversation even with my closest friends.

It felt so realistic i could literally feel the "dick" inside me— it actually scared the fuck out of me because (SA MENTION) >!I have been assaulted in my sleep before, and even though theres no possible way it could have happened again, i felt i had to drag myself out of sleep paralysis in a BIG panic just to make sure it wasnt actually happening.!< >!I had already developed a somnophilia kink partially because of the actual assault, (that i only explore in hypotheticals/fiction and NEVER irl, even though i would only want to be on the receiving end anyways)!< so i theorized that maybe my subconscious picked that part of me to build an episode around, but DAMN it felt so entirely real that (TMI ⬇️) >!i actually did orgasm from it!< while also simultaneously had a panic attack 😭

I just had never actually had that happen in my sleep before, it was both traumatizing and satisfying/relieving at the same time. I know and knew even then what i felt was >!just my pelvic floor/vaginal muscles tensing from orgasm,!< but again I had never experienced that before. Ive had >!wet dreams where I've been given oral,!< but even then, those certainly didn't feel as intense as this.

Anyways, yeah, hope that he calls me back i guess 😭😂 /lh /j

[POSITIVE VENT]

Important context: I am aromantic and havent had a relationship for 7 years. This year, I had a situation where I was manipulated into one, but I do not count it as I had expressed discomfort and did not give consent to the relationship the moment it started. I also lived with this person, but luckily I was able to move out SOON after thanks to a guy that this person got jealous over and who did his best to help me and encourage me while I fought to get out of there myself. We're great friends to this day, and I developed a little bit of a crush on him at the time that only lasted for like, a month? But I was able to recognize that it wasn't actual romantic attraction, it was simply chemicals in my brain telling me that's a safe person. Which is another thing I'm trying to unpack— and that somehow made me the bad guy.

Okay, on to the vent. This may be a little lengthy cause there's so much to the original statement that caused me to even post it— and all of this has happened this year. (Btw when the HELL is 2026 gonna end dear fcking god, it just feels like it's actually lasted five years LOL)

I had to block and cut off a friend I was close to for YEARS this past Sunday, because she ended up making me even more scared than the friend I have now ever did. But with the excuses of "I care about you" and "I don't want to see you get hurt" she convinced me that she only wanted the best for me. But being friends with this guy now completely challenged how I viewed that sentiment.

I told her about how I had feelings of love, but that I also had many fears at the same time. I'd constantly go back and forth between "i'd really like to build something with him" and praising him and listing a ton of reasons why it'd never work, why i don't like him, etc.— but i realized it faster than I ever have before that everything I said has so much more nuance to it than she or I could've noticed or understood at the time. It's true, I still don't want to date him— but he's not a terrible person either and is in fact just a really great friend. He also doesn't want to date me, and I very much like it this way. We love each other to some extent, but we don't want to build a life together. Its a very VERY healthy dynamic to have with someone regardless of the label put on it, and with my fear of labeling romantic relationships anyways, thats why I like that he's able to inadvertently help me unpack my own things and still be a good friend to me.

This somehow did not seem satisfactory to her, even though ultimately it isnt her life to live. Plus, her recollection of the events seemed a lot more exaggerated and dramatic than it actually was. She said that HE was the bad person for (paraphrased/listed) dismissing me, not reading my mind, being self centered, making me cry, and most shocking of all; manipulating me because I'm younger than him and was vulnerable when he met me.

I have called him out for talking to me disrespectfully, but every disagreement and incident like that (which there has only been two) we've had so far these past six months, we've been able to resolve and discuss in such a healthy way. He also has very obvious avoidant tendencies, and that makes it easier to empathize and also learn how to be helpful/secure while not being triggered myself. We're a great team! But she kept keeping score—more than I even was concerned about. When i vented to her, it was only ever about me and what I felt. Like, "why do I still feel bad even though the dynamic is perfectly healthy?" "Why do i feel like no matter how great things are, something bad is gonna happen?" "Why do i harbor so much guilt and self doubt?" Etc etc, and anytime i mentioned that it was like she completely skipped over the fact that i mentioned i was so in the dark and felt hopeless and just found a way to make it his fault. "He said this to you so he doesn't respect you" "he gaslit you" "he's using you" so much all the time and at a point it was getting ridiculous— he's not perfect but ffs no one is, and the standards he was being held to were not appropriate for what we are— which is simply friends.

It was like this a lot, she even brought up that ive vented about him so often with her and our mutual friend (also have not done that about him specifically, but i have vented about the guilt and anxiety i have that he happened to be in the right place and time to trigger— which was never his intention and he can't help that either) and she even "accused" me, so to speak, of wanting a relationship with him even though discussing/thinking about the hypothetical of it isnt the same as wanting it (to me, anyway, i guess?) and that me flat out saying "i dont actually care about him as much as you think i do" is "contradictory". I do care about him— as a friend— but I had that same level of care and love for her as well. I have the same level of care and love for any and all of the ppl i consider my friends. When I have an issue with someone i care about, that's a friend issue, because i dont have nor intend to have a romantic relationship. Her and i have vented about a girl we both used to be friends with the exact same way i vented about my friend, with love for the person but disdain for the things they do. Theres literally no difference in my mind.

I may have named the problems a weird way, but I also lacked the vocabulary for it at the time and even named that. I know i said there were some things i had to figure out that i couldnt exactly pinpoint the origins of just yet, so i just don't understand why me confiding my journey into self discovery that was partially inspired by meeting an actually healthy, secure person in my best friend was so...deplorable? I guess?

The last time I ever talked to her about this friend, it was the night I saw him at a bar and was SUPER drunk. (Im a lightweight and drank a 11% alcohol beer with NO tolerance build too lol) I was home, and wanted to call her cause I missed her and I wanted to tell her the good news because I hadn't seen my friend in so long. She brought up what i just mentioned, again, as if I was forgetting. I had to literally defend myself at that point, and remind her that I dont resent him and that its not that big of a deal to me anymore. But she then said she didnt want me to become "male centered" and when i questioned it she doubled down and brought up my narcissistic mother and me "becoming like her". That felt like the lowest blow, but I knew i was intoxicated so instead of doing anything or saying anything, i stopped myself and ended the call after saying "im too drunk for this, im gonna go to bed"

Three days later, i go and hookup with a different guy. The fear bubbled up again— and i confided in her again thinking that if i mentioned the same fear but a DIFFERENT guy, she'd understand. I even said "my avoidance makes me want to block him because I know hes not gonna hurt me or force me into anything i dont want to be in, but my anxiety brain thinks something bad is gonna happen" and then she literally said "oh i thought the avoidance makes it easy" and that hurt SO much coming from someone i thought was my best friend. Like, im trying to become less anxious, unpack my own stuff, and be a better person— and you think this is easy? And if that wasnt bad enough, she then was like "this will be great for your psychologist to hear" and after the first hit, that felt sarcastic and dismissive more than it did an ounce of hopeful. So i set the boundary of "hey, dont psychoanalyze me" and she then said "i dont care what you do" and before i could even respond, her boyfriend texted me and said to "stop being a bitch to her for no reason."

She also had way more problems with her boyfriend and a man she was seeing on the side than I did in these past six months with my friend— but i NEVER told her any of the things she told me. I always showed her empathy and support while ultimately telling her its her decision on how she handles it all and that I would support her either way, cause at the very least, i would want my friends to encourage that same autonomy and self empowerment— like my guy friend did for me.

It might be at least a little obvious if youve gotten this far in the post that she was DEFINITELY projecting and I even know that— but it has almost severely ruined what I spent these past years trying to build back, which was the willpower to trust people and not look at everyone i come across like they all had bad intentions. It was so hurtful, like— this friend i had for YEARS just did not seem to want me to thrive and feel better about myself the way I did for her. Like she was adamant on dragging me down with her in her own pit of anxiety— and then when she dragged her bf into it (whom she was hiding the fact that she was seeing someone else on the side from anyways, but again, i didnt ever judge her cause its not my life or decisions I have to live with) i knew it was over. I didnt even get a chance to say i needed space to think about how i felt about it or process it, i already felt threatened and blocked them both, and even the guy she's seeing on the side bc that WAS our mutual friend.

I definitely dont regret anything I said or did, especially since we both agreed i could trust her with that part of me— but i guess something i said or did resonated a little too much with her and she immediately saw me as an enemy. Betrayal from a friend sucks so much though, like, I was trying everything I could to just be a good person and I thought she'd be supportive and proud of me— but because I wasn't suffering just like her, it didnt seem to be the "correct way" to handle it.

Anyways, i just needed to put this out there. Luckily, i have friends that do actually want the best for me and don't project anything on to me— they may genuinely empathize or they may not but they still think I'm a good person and hope for the best for me. Also, since unpacking this internal stuff, i've become much better at problem solving and maintaining my anxiety, better at showing compassion and empathy for others than i was before, and even setting boundaries and knowing when to actually leave vs when its something that can be worked through. Ive had so much more confidence and assurance in myself and my abilities, i have a better time asking for help when i need it, and my communication skills have NEVER been better. I'm also able to understand nuance so much more now, especially in other people, and i cant even imagine myself thinking in black and white anymore. I have two sentences that are like mottos to me now, one from my mother, and one from my guy friend. "People gonna people" and "that doesn't apply to me".

No matter what others do, say, or feel— they only control the trajectory of my life as much as I let them. I can show empathy and compassion, but not letting them control my decisions doesn't mean I don't care— it just means they don't control me.