Serious health scare - need your advice or a pep talk or SOMETHING
I found out that I was hypermobile partway through massage school - like at a point where it would've been stupid not to finish. I got my license and I've been practicing for a year.
Since I started working, my health has crashed and burned. I spent January and February having episodes of pain after shifts so extreme that I couldn't move and couldn't sleep. My joints gave out from under me on multiple occasions. My doctor started me on a tricyclic antidepressant to treat the pain and it's working fairly well, but it's not treating the stress and exhaustion.
I have a lot of stress in my personal life, which has compounded all of this. I'm in a state of HPA axis collapse and have only just recovered from a severe dysautonomia flareup by taking two weeks off of work. I am very, very sick and it has everything to do with physical and emotional stress.
I work at a gym. I love my job - my boss is incredible, my coworkers are supportive, I love my clients. And I'm a really, really talented massage therapist - like, weirdly so, it came more naturally to me than I would ever have imagined, and I had loyal clients even in my student clinic where they weren't technically supposed to be able to request specific students (exceptions were made with my permission). But because I work at a gym, I have a lot of "give me everything you've got" clients. 90% of my clients request deep pressure. I am completely aware of the fact that I cannot sacrifice my health to improve someone else's anymore, especially not for a $40 commission. But we are BROKE broke right now - we have a mountain of debt, my husband had to take a pay cut last year, and things have gotten desperate enough that he's donating plasma. (I would if I could but it seems like a terrible idea.)
So: Should I stop asking for pressure preference? Should I give everyone light-to-medium pressure and only give more if they ask for more? I will admit that I've gotten the advice to back WAY off of pressure but haven't taken it because I feel obligated to do what the client asks for (I'm autistic if that helps for context - I am hyperliteral and have trouble knowing what to do in complex social interactions, like saying "you probably don't need that" when I know they're asking for deep pressure because they *want* it, not because they *need* it).
I have to stay at this job for now; my ultimate goal is to pivot to MLD, CST, jaw and migraine treatment, and Esalen/Lomilomi style relaxation massage. I'd like to start my own practice ASAP but now is just not the time. I've been working with Vocational Rehabilitation to get help paying for nail tech school so that I have another option for income and will start a week from now, but licensure for that is 2-4 months out and during that time I really can't quit the job I have.
What guidelines do I need to give myself to keep this job from killing me? Do you have any advice about getting into a mindset of better boundaries around my own body when clients want me to hydraulic-press the stress out of them?