I’m 34, and feeling "friend lonely" even with a full contact list. Realizing how much friendships change as we age
Lately, I’ve been feeling a heavy sense of loneliness when it comes to close friendships, and I’m just exhausted.
I’m someone who values my independence deeply. Even though I’m in a relationship, I don't let it consume me. I keep up with my own life, my own hobbies, and if a friend needs to talk or is in trouble, I will make the time for them. If my friends wanted to go on trips too, I’d go (on occasion but mostly I would go). If my partner and I are just hanging at home, my friends can always reach me. I put in the effort.
But looking around at my closest circles, I'm realizing I don't actually feel like I can fully rely on any of them. (I will be using fake names) For instance:
I have friends like Nancy, who I talk to consistently, but I've realized she lacks the emotional capacity to hold space for me for more than a day, while treating me like an endless soundboard for her own multi year drama. We’ve known each other for 4 years, we used to live in the same city until I moved, but she was always this way.
Then there's Sarah, who means well, but projects her own baggage, crosses boundaries, and pushes her own agenda when I'm just trying to navigate life. We’re new friends since December but we see each other usually once a week. We hang out with another girlfriend of ours but I’m not that close with her.
Lastly, there’s Melanie who I can actually confide in, for most things but I find myself holding back. I realize she doesn't actually confide in me or talk much about her own life, and I don't want to be the person who is always bringing issues to someone who won't reciprocate or let me in, even though I'm careful and non judgmental. We’ve known each other since high school/college, we got closer in the past 2 years.
I do have A LOT of friends but none of them I can fully rely on for a multitude of reasons. There are some where I don’t talk to other than group settings, some I just like to send memes to, most of them I don’t like their behaviors and how they treat others, and some where I just don’t feel the connection.
At this point, I keep certain people around just because they're fine to talk to out of habit, but maintaining these dynamic imbalances is actively wearing on me. I have plenty of surface level friends, and I am still trying (joining book clubs, putting myself out there), but I don't have anyone I can take off the mask and truly lean on.
It's made me realize that friends really do just come and go, no matter how long you've known them or how much history you share. This is also why I'm starting to understand how important it is to have the right partner: as we get older, they end up being the ones who witness every phase of your life and every version of you. I do love my partner and he’s become my best friend so maybe it’s not such a bad thing to spend 90% of your time with them. I’ve talked to a few married (healthy) couples, and friendships do get smaller as you get older. I’ve talked to 3 couples where one couple has a small intimate group of 2 other couples, and the other 2 just have 1-2 friends and are happy and content.
Is this just what making and keeping friends in your 30s is like? How do you stop feeling like you're constantly overfunctioning for people who wouldn't do the same for you, and actually find your people?