u/fakeariellejane

in fairness this is almost entirely my fault for accepting it, but what we learned today is that when your friend offers you a piece of chocolate and their response to your question of, “what’s in it?” is a shrug and a noncommittal hum, don’t assume, “well, everything else i’ve ever been given by them has been 10mg, so this is probably 10.”

because im pretty sure i’m not on a carousel at the moment. but boy howdy do i feel like i am.

wish me luck 🫡

I was sitting about waiting for a couple hits to kick in for about 20 minutes. absolutely nothing. then bam. violent sneeze. hit like you flicked on a light switch. i closed my eyes sober and opened them to the room moving.

did i force the vape further into my system with the power of my godlike sneeze. have i suddenly developed the world’s sickest superpower. weed sneeze. wheeze. The Wheezer. Weezer! I’ve gotten off track.

is this a thing or do i get first dibs at naming this new superhero

Please allow me to recount for you the story of the most harrowing grocery shopping experience of my life.

At about 11:00pm I smoked what I would call a go-to-bed-rapidly amount. At 11:15 I learned we needed to make an emergency grocery run for the household to the only open store nearby, which closes at midnight, and I was the only one that could run in (I was NOT the one driving!!). I was ready to fight for my life, as one does when spawning in a Meijer high as a kite, but I wasn’t prepared to be put through some sort of mythological trials of will.

In chronological order, because I can’t even begin to rank them:

- There were 3 small children in front of the entrance trying to fit themselves and several bags of groceries on one singular electric scooter. No adults to be found. They did manage it after several minutes and about 10 different tested orientations, only to crash about 100 feet down the road.
- Someone had freshly vomited in the middle of the entryway. Multiple employees were just standing around it like a summoning circle, staring at it in silence.
- The overheard speakers were BLASTING praise music until it abruptly changed to “Hey There, Delilah,” which when auditorially assaulted with sounds a lot like “Hey, Arielle,” (your name) and causes you to scream in fear in the middle of the milk aisle.
- Whoever was making the announcements spoke far too close to the microphone so you couldn’t understand quite literally anything they said.
- Every aisle was so filled with pallets you had to abandon your cart at the end and grab things by hand and walk them back to the cart.
- Each time the employees finished emptying a pallet, they tossed it on the floor and it sounded like an honest to god gunshot.
- I had to sit down on a bench for a bit (I have chronic pain), zoned out for a few minutes, and came back to awareness because a man balancing several packs of Dude Wipes on his head walked by.
- I tried to FaceTime a friend to buddy system my way through the rest of this experience but I got confused, opened the camera app instead, and forgot to call because the way the aisle sign was hanging over my head on the camera looked like a party hat.
- A lady in the yogurt aisle, who was carrying 20+ loose items in her arms, no basket or cart in sight, called me a bitch for not helping her pick up a 1lb tub of Greek yogurt, which she made zero indication she had wanted me to do.
- I reached the self check-out machine more than 10 minutes to close and the employee running the tills spent the entire time pacing furiously behind me muttering, “I need to turn off the machines, I need to turn off the machines,” with increasing intensity.
- I was the second to last patron to leave the self check-out. The last was a couple in a screaming match with a manager over an item that wouldn’t scan, which, unbelievably, as it’s almost always the customer, the manager started.
- When I left, the ring of employees around the vomit from earlier had been replaced by what appeared to be every wet floor sign in the tristate area. Some unidentified bubbling liquid had been poured on the offending pile, but it had not been removed.
- The man outside collecting carts flipped off our vehicle on our way out. I very genuinely cannot think of a single reason for this, but I respect his right to express negative emotions despite his position as a service worker 🫡

To the best of my knowledge I’ve not committed any social crimes while on this expedition worthy of some of these interactions, though I am willing to accept partial responsibility for the act of shopping less than an hour before close.

My only explanation is some sort of cosmic entity was testing me. I’m unsure if I passed, but I have successfully returned home with 90% of the items that were on my list and only one extra (because I deserved a treat for my 45 minutes of psychological torment), so I guess we’ll call it a win 🙂‍↕️

bring it on bring it on bring it on ✨✨✨