u/fg155

TL;DR: Does your partner (dx/ndx/medicated/non-medicated.. any combination really) write off them not actively listening during a conversation to just a miscommunication or misunderstanding? Or do they acknowledge their ADHD?

My (dx, medicated) partner (ndx) was open to seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication, then back pedaled very suddenly a few years ago. I tried to understand what their thought process was and they gave the same response of “I don’t have ADHD.” Having been diagnosed myself, growing up with dx family members, and having been with my partner for over 8 years, I will die on the hill that they have ADHD.

We have been married for 3 of those 8 years and different aspects of ADHD have been straining our relationship. We have tried couples counseling, but the counselor, from a few sessions, decided my partner doesn’t have ADHD but I just need to be more patient with their habits. Or that we just need to communicate better. I have found myself replaying conversations in my head or taking notes when we talk, because I cannot for the life of me, figure out where a miscommunication or misunderstanding can come from. I have been going to individual therapy and have been medicated for over 5 years. An example of the latest convo/situation dealing with miscommunication:

I meal prep lunch for the both of us every Sunday. I noticed one of the main ingredients was running low, but I was already halfway through prep and didn’t want to leave in the middle while other things were cooking/baking. I let my partner know that we would be one meal short and I asked if they could have one of their frozen back-up meals on Friday. They agreed. On Thursday, work provided lunch unexpectedly so I brought home my un-eaten lunch. I excitedly told my partner that I got a free lunch and they wouldn’t need to eat their frozen meal tomorrow. I got a half acknowledgement but didn’t think much of it.

Friday around lunch time, I see my partner starting to grab a prepped meal from the fridge. They comment that it’s a little smaller than usual. I reminded them we were low on the main ingredient so I had to downsize the portions a little. I also mention again that I really got lucky with the free lunch from the day before so there’s enough food for the both of us today. I went back to my desk to work a little bit more then got up to have lunch. Open the fridge, and there are 0 meals left. I look in the sink and see 2 sets of empty Tupperware. I ask my partner why they ate both meals and they said “oh well you said the portions were smaller.” I agreed that I said that but then I asked what they thought I would eat.. blank stare. I can’t have the frozen back up meals due to an allergy and I generally don’t like eating ready made frozen meals. If there was a sorry it was buried very quickly with responses that had no remorse. I asked if they remembered me bringing up the free lunch.. being short one portion.. they said they didn’t realize those were related and resolved it as “oops, miscommunication!” I mentioned the free meal twice in this recap, but trust me I brought it up several times with the ~24 hours because getting free lunch was a big deal for me. If I haven’t already given up in the relationship I probably would have cried alot more. I finished my stretch of meetings and went out to grab lunch. I think if my partner acknowledged their potential ADHD diagnosis, I would feel more compassionate or try to be even more clear.. but it just feels like they don’t think about me or even care, if they’re adamant they won’t be diagnosed or even consider individual therapy. Really just curious if other people’s partners throw around miscommunication/misunderstandings when it feels like something couldn’t be more clear.