My mistake.
I’m M28 and I have been on grindr off and on. I recently downloaded tinder because I was thinking maybe it’s time to get in a relationship again but it never worked out. 2 months ago I was in a new city for the weekend I was thinking about having a hookup there. I went on tinder and found this guy he was looking for a long term relationship and partially so was I. I wanted to get in a relationship so I could stop having hookups which only give me short term gratification.. we went out for a date and at the end of the date I invited him back to my hotel room where we did in fact got very intimate. I’m looking back at it now maybe this was our first mistake. We spent two whole days together and I had to go back to my city which was 3 hours away. We decided that we wanted to make this work because it wasn’t that far and we stayed in touch. A few days later back in my hometown I realized how hard a long distance relationship was as and I wanted to end it because I’ve never been in one but he said he has been in a few and he wanted us to try. I ended up saying yes to this but I found myself so lonely at time. When I was waiting almost the whole day for a text or call. I know he was busy but I couldn’t help myself to feel this way. About a month later I kept trying to ask him to be exclusive but he never gave me a straight answer so I believed we weren’t. I saw him again later in the “relationship” i put quotes because he didn’t want to call it a relationship he said we were just seeing each other. When I saw him that weekend we spent another two whole days together and we were having a lot of sex which he was initiating. I kept on saying things like “isn’t this what boyfriends do?” And I still couldn’t get a straight answer. I went back after the weekend. There was another trip I had preplanned a solo trip before I had even met him and on this trip I did want to have fun and live my life. However he stated that he wanted to come on this trip, I said ok but he ended up not going because he had work. On the trip I tried to keep contact. I wasnt hooking up in this period, however I did look on tinder and put my status as looking for friends just to see who was out there as I said I was on this trip solo I wouldn’t have s*x witch anyone other any thing. On the trip I had called him on day because I was feeling a little lonely. I ending up saying I love him but he said he didn’t want to do this on the phone and told me we’ve only seen each other four days in person and we were just seeing each other. I was confused looking back he was right but I was so hurt and trying to understand why he was so upset. The call ended and I went to sleep and woke up sad and lonely. I texted him when I woke up since we are just seeing each other I don’t want you to kiss me and have s*x in the way we do. He texted me we need to talk but he said when I got back from the trip. I was so mad. This is were it gets bad and I see my faults. We barely talked for a few days while I was on this trip and my loneliness was worse. I ended up getting back on Grindr and did have a hook up one night. When I got back we talked and he said he saw my tinder activity and I tried to explain it. I didn’t think we were even exclusive yet and I was just looking on there not to do what he thought I was doing. He ended up finding about the Grindr encounter because I didn’t want to lie to him. I feel terrible I told him I did it out of anger because I didn’t know why he was angry at me that night. He won’t talk to me now and I understand why. I really didn’t mean to hurt him I just wasn’t the person I wanted to be for him. I was in transition in being a person who wanted a serious realationship. I ended up deleting Grindr after this.
I hurt him and I have to live with it.