Husband holding resentment
I’ve been married 4 years and we have an almost one year old. It’s definitely been the hardest year of our marriage I can’t afford a coach right now but I listen to the podcast daily and I still have so many questions daily about using the skills when you are in complete survival mode with a kid. I’ll pick one topic for now.
Short version - The other day my husband told me he has been feeling resentment toward me about how much he has to tidy the house and kitchen.
He was vulnerably bringing it up but only after he snapped and told me he was fed up of cleaning up after me and I said ouch and ran upstairs to regulate because I was so sad. He normally doesn’t say much because he feels dutiful but this night I provoked him to say why he was being icy and that is why he snapped. I did apologise for provoking later. I know I should let him be even when he is icy but it’s so painful to feel so unseen.
More context -
My husband has adhd and struggles with staying up late at night - lying in in the morning, starting work late and finishing late. (Works from home with flexible hours) so I am doing most of the childcare as well as cosleeping with baby overnight just so I can get some sleep. My husband is a good Dad and loves our son. And he is also a very tidy person so he cleans up the kitchen every night and tidies away the mess our little guy makes of the living room.
I have always affirmed him on this and i thank him every night. I do think he has slight ocd tendencies as well - or at least is very particular.
But sometimes I can see how irritated he is at the mess. He makes it really obvious he is annoyed by going icy and sharp toned and then slamming the door of his computer room without saying goodnight. So I don’t even get to say ouch. (Or at least I don’t know how to in this situation)
Even before we had our child I was stressing and decluttering and trying to create systems to avoid him being triggered all the time.
While I do sometimes struggle with the classic mom shame of feeling like I should be better at housekeeping and I also know in my heart I am doing so well - I do all the laundry, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming, grocery shopping and food prep and 95% of the childcare plus I do a few hours a week of work.
I told my husband I can’t do more. But he struggles to accept this. He seems to think he is doing all the kitchen cleaning but doesn’t seem to realise I am doing little bits as best I can all day. I have said if he wants me to do more tidying than I am I need more rest and more child free time to do it because I am burnt out and also when I’m with our son there is only so much I can do as he always want to be on my hip.
I’ve felt so unloved by him this year and it’s breaking my heart. It’s not always terrible. There are days we at least feel like happy roomates. Sometimes i really doubt I chose well in marriage. The way friends talk to me too it’s like they think he’s not treating me well but don’t want to say it. I want to at least know I did all I could to make it work without becoming a doormat.
I appreciate any help!