Im losing my shit I can't do this anym
i've always asked my bsf what having a crush feels like and all she said is "you'll know when you have one" and oh my god this is the most soul crushing experience i've ever had. all my previous "crushes" were nothing compared to this (if they even were considered crushes), i'll even go ahead and say that this is the first crush ive ever had in my entire life
i met her recently, about a bit more than month ago at a thing i'll just refer to as an event/project. the event lasted 2 weeks where the group would spend the entire day together and we got kinda close i guess since she's my closest friend in the group. we've been hanging out after, at least once a week in both group settings and one on one.
i don't even know when i caught feelings, it was probably near the start of the event. she caught my eye during the event briefing 3 months ago bro she's 100% my type like you guys dont get it i gave myself an "ideal type" as a joke because it was a super unrealistic type esp here in singapore but omg?? i didn't expect someone to just come along and completely fit this type???? even thinking about her im going completely feral. she's done things to me that i can easily get the wrong idea if not for the fact that ik she acts like this to all her friends 😞
the problem comes in where even though ik she swings both ways she keeps talking about her crush/eye candy and i feel my heart just shatter 😭😭 we had this convo and she said "obv as someone that likes (guy) idw him to keep talking about another girl that he might be interested in" and i just went "haha i wonder how that feels like" KILL ME NOWWWWWWWWWWWW 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭. even if things don't work out with this guy ik I have absolutely zero shot with her because i just know im not her type at all, i dont even know if she's ever had a crush on a girl. i'm probably going to find a way to ask soon because i ownself also curious, but ive accidentally subtly told her i like girls (i implied that i was bi tho) and she also implied back that she was bi. i dont want to ruin the friendship as well because she rlly is a good friend and such an amazing person in general
so i guess there's nothing much i can do right now. im just posting this to get it out of my head and to get people's opinions on how i should proceed frm here cause i genuinely dont know. she's in my head 24/7 i actl cant do this anym im crashing out i've never crashed out this badly over someone i'm interested in. i would do anything to even have a shot of being with her, i would change all the bad parts of myself and fix myself for the chance that she can even see me as more than a friend. obviously i want to be with her but i just dont want to risk the friendship ☹☹ im also the type of person to be interested in someone and not do things about it like my prev "crush" i liked for 4 years, the entirety of secondary school and i did nothing about it sooooooooo im just a coward man 😭
okay bye im going to go back to studying, but if you've read until here please give me your thoughts and advice :,)