u/floral_notes

My assault happened on a first date. It was my first date in a really long time and I wore my favorite outfit because it’s what I feel most confident in. It’s just been sitting in my closet since and I don’t know what to do with it. On one hand I don’t want to let him ruin more things for me so I just want to say fuck it and wear it cause it’s mine. On the other, it’s just a reminder of what happened. I remember him complimenting that he really liked my shirt so it feels yucky at the same time. I was wanting to wear it today because it’s the perfect shirt for the 4th color wise. I guess I’m just seeing if anyone else can relate or has had this dilemma.

I still feel so confused and dazed from what happened but I really can’t stop thinking about it. I was assaulted Saturday night. I woke up Sunday and felt sick to my stomach and mostly worried about stds. I called a hotline and they told me to go to the ER. So I did and I really just wanted to get screened for STDs and get any medication I’d need for that. They ended up calling the police and a sane nurse. They convinced me to do a report and everything. I told the police everything and then got a rape kit done. They said a detective would reach out in a few days and then I can decide what to do from there. I’m just not sure if it was even bad enough to even be worth the whole ordeal. I don’t really want to deal with it I have so much going on in my life right now. I’m going to write out a little bit of the story below for context.

Basically I went on a first date with this guy. I met outside his place. Everything was fine on the date and I really needed to use a bathroom so I asked to use his. He proceeded to ask if I want to hang out for a bit and I agreed. I shouldn’t have looking back, I feel really stupid that I stayed. We cuddled for a few minutes and then he started to kiss me. This was all fine, but that is the extent that I wanted to go. He started to escalate quickly and took mine and his clothes off. I kind of just froze completely. I don’t know why I just was in a state of fear for some reason. He said we didn’t have to fuck but he wanted to just grind together? It all happened so fast I just asked that he wore a condom regardless because I’m not on birth control and also I don’t know this person or their sexual history. He agreed and he started having sex with me. I was completely frozen and in my head I was screaming at myself to just yell stop and to get up and leave but I couldn’t get myself to do it. I just thought it would be over soon but then it kept going for so long. I started to get really uncomfortable and upset so I asked to take a break and he ignored me. I started to really panic internally. I asked again later on to take a break so that I could just get dressed and hopefully leave. He ignored me. At another point he had me in such an uncomfortable position my leg was shaking from being in pain so I told him it was hurting and I wanted to put my leg down and he ignored me. He then asked to 69 and I just stared at him and said I didn’t want to do that. He then pushed my head down to his penis. I thought okay this could be over if I just get him to finish quickly. I think he was purposely making himself last longer because no still wasn’t over. He started to have sex with me again this time no condom, he took it off. I noticed it on the bed next to me. I think at this point I fully dissociated and was still just frozen with fear. Eventually he finished and then wanted me to stay the night. I said I had to go and he was acting upset that I was just going to leave. I quickly got dressed and got my stuff he kept pulling me in to kiss me and tell me he wanted to see me again and that he was didn’t want me to go. I literally just faked saying I’d like to see him again so that he’d let me leave. When I got home I felt so disgusted. I grabbed a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and gargled it and poured it all over my genitals. I couldn’t sleep at all so I ended up taking a bath. I didn’t think about even reporting anything. I don’t know if they even got any DNA after that. I just feel so stupid that I even put myself in that situation. I’m mad I didn’t just scream no and kick him off me and leave. It feels like it’s my fault.

I am getting a divorce and hope to keep the house. The loan is assumable. We don’t have much equity, but we do have a decent interest rate. I’d be able to buy my ex out of it easily. I have plans to rent out a room to my brother to help afford the mortgage, but I doubt I would qualify with my income alone. My dad offered to co-sign if I can’t qualify on my own. My question is if I add a co-signer would I have to re-finance and lose my current interest rate, or is there a way to go about all of this to keep my current interest rate? If I lose the rate it wouldn’t be worth it. I know nothing about this stuff so any advice is appreciated, TIA!