fatigue feels like time travel, except only forward
I've had MS for about 6 years, diagnosed on my 18th birthday after a blackout at work. I took it easy, everyone around me panicked, but what can I do, right? Just have to proceed with life!
I slowly started losing my hobbies and interests due to this insane fatigue and brain fog. There were days or weeks of just feeling like a spectator to life. I would sit on the couch, no phone, TV, any stimulation, just sitting there trying to think of anything. By the time something snaps me out of it, its been hours. I've scared my partner with this kind of thing, he was purely convinced its like absence-seizures. Its not, I just cease to exist mentally for no reason.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 when I was 16, and those episodes were there during my down-months, and during mania, I would be insanely productive, happy, and social! My neurologist believes I've had MS in my early teens, given my history of blackouts, back pain, and these episodes of blankness. He believes my mental state was determined by MS, rather than being bipolar and I wish he never said that.
I have been in this episode now for almost a year. In that time, I got a new house, my lifetime cat partner passed, I got a kitten and puppy, and I have ignored my semi-successful Youtube channel for over 5 months. All of that feels like it happened last week. I try so hard to push myself to do things and "get back to normal", and silently wishing for mania to come and "save" me. Now I think my neurologist was right, and given my last MRI had some significant new lesions, I'm scared that I'm gone and that this state of mind, this "episode", is now permanent.
I do maybe 3 things a day before I clock out. I feed my pets, clean their areas, and hang out with my puppy outside for an hour for play/training. Then I come inside and... Poof. I'm gone until bedtime. I sometimes sit and "think" for so long, that I hallucinate doing things around the house that I don't actually do, almost like my brain is creating some kind of coping mechanism to convince me that I am productive in some way. Those ones scare me, because sometimes I truly get confused on why theres dishes in the sink when I swear I did them 2 hours ago.
I think I'm posting here because I truly do feel alone on this specific problem. I've scoured this subreddit for the past couple days and its crazy to me how we are all suffering and coping in our own ways with such an unpredictable disease. If you guys have any advice on brain fog, productivity, or just want to input your own experience, I would love to read it. I think I'm just a bit lost on what to do. Thanks!