How do I explain to my step daughter's mom that she's destroying her daughter's mental health?
Hi everyone. I have a wonderful stepdaughter who my husband has primary custody of. Her mom has visits 2 times a week for 2 hours each and also has 30 minute phone calls every evening. While we were dating her mother was non-existent in her life, with maybe 1 phone call a week and a visit once a month, maybe. My SD was extremely depressed about this and I have, multiple times, held her as she cried about her mom. As soon as me and my husband were engaged, her mom decided she wanted to uphold her court ordered visitation. That wasn't an issue. SD has been in therapy this whole time to come to terms with her parents breaking up, they weren't married, and navigating having 2 step brothers and a step mom.
The issues are that her mother continues to put herself in situations that harm her daughter's mental health. She refuses to work, has convinced her daughter that my husband should be taking care of her, and has even told her daughter to bully my oldest son until he finally went to school and told them what was happening because he didn't think we would believe that 6 year old was bullying him because he is 11.
She has lived in 5 different places, none her own, and is currently living in an unlivable building with her current boyfriend. It's so bad that we cannot allow SD to go there and told her mom that she has to come pick her up and take her to a park or something instead.
She is now falling back into her habits of not seeing SD on her visitation days, lying about coming to see her, and hasn't been calling or staying in contact with my husband about visits or phone calls.
My SD is depressed, diagnosed and currently in therapy, and had abandonment issues, also diagnosed, from her mom doing this same thing when her and my husband split. Her mom blames in on her mental health. I have told her that she needs to get help then so she doesn't cause the same issues for her daughter, but she won't listen. She doesn't believe what she is doing is wrong and husband wants to take her back to court because of the inconsistent behavior, the fact that she's living in a place that could be considered condemned, and for multiple other issues.
I just don't know what to do. I love my SD very much and I just want what is best for her. I have never tried to replace her mom, but I don't treat her any differently than my bio children. I want to understand this woman and help her understand what she is doing mentally to her child, but she doesn't listen. I've tried, my husband has tried, even her own mother has tried and she blocked her on everything. She doesn't understand how she is hurting her child. I don't want her to lose her daughter, but it's coming to the point where it is becoming neglect, both emotionally and physically. I just need advice on how to help her either understand, or how to be there for my SD if it comes to a family court thing.