Few years ago i started creating a map in world painter which was supposed to be played by me and several friends but the friend group tore down and i wanted to post it here so at least someone plays it (if there is big interest i might finish it for yall)
(the map)
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1PNzgHANKmAKrHxfKumybjsb5x1Rrl7gQ/view?usp=drive_link
Like a few minutes ago I was smoking my last two cigarettes while thinking about some things. Let me paint you the picture of myself im an 18 year old whos just finishing school i love philosophy and life but these days with my graduation in sight and the question what am i going to do after that summer I've started asking myself a lot of questions.
I was thinking about my purpose and what has bringed me here how life has gone to this point and a couple more deep than usual questions:
Who am I in the grand scheme of things? Do I truly like myself and the things I do?
millions if not billions of people have died for me to exist. They have past their genes for me to be here and play elden ring late at night, for me to hear the chirping of birds thru the window while smoking and thinking about some not so important stuff. Am I in any debt to them?
And is it that dept satisfied by studying or working for a society they have never seen or maybe never wanted. I don't think that I owe anything in the literal sense of things but more like was it worth it for them to die on battle fields or kill others for me to stay in a chair and learn about maths or english or even computer science. Did they die for a future like this where we are just mice working for a society that feeds us just so we can continue to feed it back? It's like an oroboros eating its tail for eternity over and over again. Has the carbon in my bones formed billions of years in the past in dying stars, really put to its best use this way?
How am I supposed to know who I truly am when we are all continuously changing?
What is the idea of me the body, the mind or the soul?
Do I really love the people around me? I think I do but is it just an animal reflex for surviving in a pack?
What do people see in me that's lovable?
I truly dont feel in place. I want to drive all night but I feel like I want sleep as well?
Are those thoughts selfish?
How can life seem so short to me when i dont yet have 20?
And why do I feel so nostalgic these days?
For my short time on this earth I've been able to see how people that used to carry me in their hands when I was a baby are either gone or need carrying themselves now.
How so little as 18 years do this? How have I coped with this loss? Ar have I even?
I love life and myself but sometimes it looks like I don't even know what these words mean?
I don't really post this as to ask for answers, just sharing thoughts.