u/funfettia

So, exactly what the title says. I was wondering if anybody else has felt this way.

I've honestly been this way for as long as I can remember, thinking of myself as a kind of character in a movie/film, being observed by a third person at all times, kind of like a live show, in a way? This has caused me to apply this thought process to literally all that I do, feeling that I **must** impress this hypothetical observer(s) Obviously including what decisions i take. Instead of thinking about whether the decision would be logical, beneficial, or anything else in that regard, my first thought is always, "would the viewer find this interesting, even a little bit?" And what I end up doing fully depends on what answer I conclude to that question. I picked up guitar not exactly because I'm fond of it or whatever, but mostly because I felt that the viewer(s) would find a character who plays a instrument entertaining to observe. Some time later along the line, i considered the notion of piano, but it felt as if the viewer(s) would find it repetitive and a boring plot point, so I dropped the idea immediately. Speaking about plot points, i feel that the events in my life are seriously part of a plot and contribute to the story in general, so I sometimes seek out experiences that might potentially cause me harm/agony simply because it adds to the plot. Anyhow this eventually began applying to the things I tell people, and the conversations I have with them. I say things which the viewer would find entertaining in a sort of way, building a kind of persona separate from my 'real self' that pleases the viewer(s) I also find that i lack the ability to feel anything at all, so i often give forced reactions to people's comments, because otherwise the viewer(s) would find the interaction bland and lacking any flavour and cinematic aspect.

I suppose this is my guiding principle in life, that i can never, and could never have it any other way at all.

I honestly feel so detached from myself at this point, and feels as if **I'M** watching a kind of orchestrated performance play out, where I watch the 'main' character give already decided responses to exterior comments made at them. This leads me to feel so very distant from the things I say, the things I do, like I'm watching from behind a veil at someone who looks like me, yes, but isn't really me at all, because they weren't really things I would have said. They were simply things I did to please the viewer(s). This imaginary viewer's opinion matters oh so much to me that I feel if I go against their will, something very terrible will happen, that doom will come over my life. Certainly, everything I ever do just feels forced, just to cater to the whims of a third party so obviously none of the relationships I have with people are genuine, because they have only ever interacted with the performative version of myself. To detach and separate this persona with myself, i also avoid talking about my experiences in life.

Sometimes I feel overly conscious of everything and everyone around me, and at times I totally lose consciousness and by the time i realize where I really am, who I am, the day is coming to a close somehow.

It's so difficult and complex to articulate to words how exactly it is that I feel, but I guess to put it in the simplest, dumbed down manner possible, it feels that i really am not human at all, that everybody else is human, all besides me. It always feels that i lack some kind of essential 'core' or 'soul' that makes one human. Everybody else is genuine and following their will in life, doing what they want to do, all except for me. The more I think about this part of me, the more it makes me absolutely resent myself.

Is it always going to be this way?? Will I ever carry out my will in life? Do i even have my own will? If I separate myself from the viewer, what is even left of me? Do I even have an 'actual' personality at all?

So, exactly what the title says. I was wondering if anybody else has felt this way.

I've honestly been this way for as long as I can remember, thinking of myself as a kind of character in a movie/film, being observed by a third person at all times, kind of like a live show, in a way? This has caused me to apply this thought process to literally all that I do, feeling that I must impress this hypothetical observer(s) Obviously including what decisions i take. Instead of thinking about whether the decision would be logical, beneficial, or anything else in that regard, my first thought is always, "would the viewer find this interesting, even a little bit?" And what I end up doing fully depends on what answer I conclude to that question. I picked up guitar not exactly because I'm fond of it or whatever, but mostly because I felt that the viewer(s) would find a character who plays a instrument entertaining to observe. Some time later along the line, i considered the notion of piano, but it felt as if the viewer(s) would find it repetitive and a boring plot point, so I dropped the idea immediately. Speaking about plot points, i feel that the events in my life are seriously part of a plot and contribute to the story in general, so I sometimes seek out experiences that might potentially cause me harm/agony simply because it adds to the plot. Anyhow this eventually began applying to the things I tell people, and the conversations I have with them. I say things which the viewer would find entertaining in a sort of way, building a kind of persona separate from my 'real self' that pleases the viewer(s) I also find that i lack the ability to feel anything at all, so i often give forced reactions to people's comments, because otherwise the viewer(s) would find the interaction bland and lacking any flavour and cinematic aspect.

I suppose this is my guiding principle in life, that i can never, and could never have it any other way at all.

I honestly feel so detached from myself at this point, and feels as if I'M watching a kind of orchestrated performance play out, where I watch the 'main' character give already decided responses( physical, verbal, visual etc) to exterior reactions made at them. This leads me to feel very distant from the things I say, the things I do, like I'm watching from behind a veil at someone who looks like me, yes, but isn't really me at all, because they weren't really things I would have said. They were simply things I did to please the viewer(s). This imaginary viewer's opinion matters oh so much to me that I feel if I go against their will, something very terrible will happen, that doom will come over my life. Certainly, everything I ever do just feels forced, just to cater to the whims of a third party so obviously none of the relationships I have with people are genuine, because they have only ever interacted with the performative version of myself.

Sometimes I feel overly conscious of everything and everyone around me, and at times I totally lose consciousness and by the time i realize where I really am, who I am, the day is coming to a close somehow.

It's so difficult and complex to articulate to words how exactly it is that I feel, but I guess to put it in the simplest, dumbed down manner possible, it feels that i really am not human at all, as all that I do is forced and an orchestrated performance, that everybody else is human. It always feels that i lack some kind of essential 'core' or 'soul' that makes one a whole human. Everybody else is genuine and following their will in life, doing what they want to do, all except for me.

Is it always going to be this way forever?? Will I ever carry out my will in life? Do i even have my own will? Do I even have an 'actual' personality at all?

So, like the title suggests, I've been suffering from entomophobia ever since I was in 2nd grade, and i remember my parents telling me to be normal and be like other kids, because being scared of tiny things when I'm so much bigger than insects is weird and abnormal as long as I can remember. One time when I was in 5th grade, for 'exposure therapy' apparently, my dad put two termites on my hair and I was fucking crying and shit and he got physical because my entomophobia really pisses him off for some reason. I genuinely haven't been the same ever since, thinking about their little crawly legs all over my scalp.

Whenever I see some kind of bug flying around and i try to escape it to avoid being in the same vicinity as the insect, they tell me to quit the act and grow up because people will make fun of me if they find out about my irrational phobia and nobody will be as understanding as they are apparently??

I wish they could be more understanding man, I fucking hate them.

There was an ant infestation in my room some time ago and it gave me a fright and when I told them about it to get rid of the ants they laughed at my face and told me to get over it.

I hate my life and insects make me want to die.

Is there anything I can do to overcome my fear?? Because my parents would never let me get professional help, so until I'm an adult and earning my own money, I guess there's absolutely nothing I can do.