Not an "addiction"
Hey all,
Have any of you determined/been told that your partner's porn use was driven by selfishness and a refusal to change INSTEAD of addiction?
My partner's therapist (who I have no issues with whatsoever - she has never once dismissed my partner's behavior or its impact) is unsure that their porn use was driven by addiction. She (therapist) suggested that my partner's use was not problematic on its own, but in the context of our relationship. So, the problem to be explored is not addiction itself, but the reasons why my partner felt the need to conceal, lie about, and prolong the behavior.
I feel numb at best and devastated at worst. It sucks because this is what I thought was the case for years anyway: that my partner was choosing this behavior and wasn't willing to come to a compromise for me. For YEARS, I never even asked them to stop using porn entirely, but to use some discretion (not follow/like on public social media where myself and others can see; not use next to me; not use during work hours, etc.). Every time we talked, they agreed these asks were reasonable and that they could make those changes. Every time they lied.
So, on this year's D-Day when we started looking at the problem through the lens of an addiction, it was both easier and more difficult to grapple with. I felt guilty that I had blamed my partner alone for their actions when they were driven by something - at least, to some extent - out of their control. But at least it meant it wasn't driven by a lack of respect for me or the impact the lies had on me.
Now, I feel guilty that my support and empathy for them has waned just because we might not use the "a-word" anymore. But I can't help it. Now I just feel like a dummy who has monitoring software on my partner's phone because I can't trust them without it, not because it's an accountability measure to support them along recovery. I feel like a crazy person that restricts my partner from having social media because if I don't, they'll use it to look at porn.
Now I don't feel like they're "recovering". Instead, I feel like they've decided to start respecting me for the first time in 6 years.
I know no one can tell me where to go from here, but I would love to hear whatever experience, advice, or encouragement you might have.
Thank you and lots of love.