Trying to pick up pieces of my life
This is going to be a rant from a throwaway account.
The story should start from my childhood. I am a 19 year old female. I was a shy and introvert child till 11. Lacking in social skills, emotional intelligence but always an A-grade student. Around 13, I got inspired about courage, discipline, etc and could motivate myself to do almost anything. I started interacting with teachers and my coursework. I set high goals for perfection (cause, how could I be the same as everybody else, I needed to stand out and be praised) and honestly, at that time, course work was just so-so. I never revised properly, but always remained a topper. Everyone praised me and most important, I had no distractions. All this changed in covid. I got addicted to dramas and novels, and started consuming them voraciously. My grades started suffering.
On the night before my 10th grade exams, I was just staring at screens, trying to make up my mind to study, but I also have this nasty obsessive, rebellious streak. I could not.
Chapter closed-94.8%.
Everybody expected so much from me. My teachers, my parents, relatives, friends. How could I?
Still, it was not as bad as to wake me up. I tasted the pleasure, the ease of scoring 'decent' marks doing nothing. Grades suffered. My time spent on academics decreased.
Fast forward to 12th grade, 84%. This time, my parents were visibly shocked. I had already done so bad on in my college entrance exams- with this score, there was no possibility of premier institutions. There was an air of gloom around the house. Everybody consoled me.
My father though, could calm his mind and directed me to study for improvement in mathematics. At that time, I was interested in pursuing in career in mathematics, cause I could honestly understand nothing except it. As a result, it became my favourite subject and I wanted to pursue a BSc in Mathematics from any institute.
But, my father believed I was gifted. I had 'potential'. It was just that I was lazy and could not work 'hard enough'. He advised me to take a gap year and prepare again, which I agreed to, because I also wanted to go to a top institute. After all, I had to have a perfect CV. What is there in life, if you could not stand out from the crowd?
Though, I wasted my entire year. Now, I'm sitting here, contemplating ways to successfully choke on food and die an unexpected death. It seems that I won't go to a perfect institute after all.
And what is ridiculous, all those students who could not measure up to me in class while solving questions, all got a better score than me. Every teacher believes that I can do much better. They all lament at my marks and console at a potential wasted.
I'm honestly confused. How to accept going to an average university?